So I Will Run Through Fire
by NewHampshireGirl
Summary: Tony has been away from NCIS for the entire summer, until a case from his early days as an agent comes back to haunt him and he has to return to D.C in order to keep his family safe. But the bad guys are not the only demons he's fighting. Sequel to "Surreal", "Unconditionally" verse, Tony/OC, McGee/Delilah
1. Surprise Visitor

**Disclaimers:** I do not own NCIS or its characters.

 **Warnings:** Spoilers for "Family First"; title is taken from David Cook's song "Heartbeat"

 **A/N:** If you hated "Family First" then back out now. I don't want my reviews page to turn into flames against the writers/GG/etc.

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 **So I Will Run Through Fire**

Late summer had graced the shores of Cape Cod. Families had started to leave their vacation homes for the mainland, school would be starting soon, the few that remained on the Cape were those that were going to soak up every last ray of sunshine that they could.

Anthony DiNozzo sat in the sand, khaki pants rolled up to his knees, sandals in his hand, white button down shirt blowing in the sea breeze and watched as the woman and two children played among the shallow pools left by the tide moving out. His wife's hair had turned almost blonde in the summer sun, flowing behind her as she chased their two toddlers through the salty water. Her denim capris were getting damp and her navy blue tank top brought out the tanned hue to her skin.

Their daughter was giggling madly as they ran around in the water. Their son, who learned how to walk over the summer, struggled to keep up, determined even when he fell face first into the pool.

Leah would scoop him up and put him back on his feet and Jack would take off waddling again, trying to keep up with Talia. Over the course of this summer, a summer where the family had been healing, Tali had become a part of it. The transition actually happened more seamlessly than either Tony or Leah thought.

Tony hoped that he was living up to Ziva's expectations. That he was giving Tali what she wished for the little girl. Soon, the family would be returning to Washington. Leah had to return to George Washington University, and truthfully, Tony needed to get back to NCIS. However, nothing was really pulling him there. He kept in touch, mostly with Tim, and things seemed to be holding together just fine without Tony. Perhaps, the agent didn't need to return to NCIS at all… Tony and Leah had discussed what he could do instead… months ago before Tali entered their lives.

Carrying a soaking wet Jack, Leah made her way towards Tony in the sand, Tali following behind her. "I think it's time we headed back to the house and had dinner," his wife said.

Pulling himself to his feet, Tony brushed the sand from his backside and nodded. "Been a busy day, playing at the beach. Think you got a little color on your cheeks," he teased noticing their pink hue.

"I was too busy making sure the kids had sunscreen on, I forgot mine," Leah said with a shrug.

"Later, I'll put some aloe on it," Tony said kissing her cheek softly. He took Tali by the hand. "Did you have fun?"

Tali grinned at her father. "Yes," she said with a nod. "We come back?"

Tony gave her hand a squeeze. The first few weeks of Tali joining their family had been the hardest. She did not understand why her mother wasn't around and most nights ended up crying herself to sleep. Tony and Leah were complete strangers to the child. The vacation wasn't just for Tony and Leah to heal from the intense emotions they were feeling, but to help Tali become more comfortable with her new parents. It was also designed to help the entire family get used to their new life.

From the outside now no one would be able to tell that Tali had gone through such a hard time. She was happy and smiling. She loved her baby brother and she had a strong relationship with Tony and Leah.

He felt a warm smile fill his face as he looked at his daughter. "Yeah, we can come back one more time before we go home," Tony promised her.

Leah reached out with her free hand and stroked Tali's hair. "Do you like it here, Tali?"

"Yes," she said with a nod.

"I like it here too," Leah said. She brought her blue eyes up to look at her husband. "But we need to go home."

"Home?" Tali questioned. At this point the child didn't know _where_ her home was.

Tony winced slightly and gave her hand a squeeze. "Washington. Mama has a whole new group of college students to shape and mold and teach about the world."

Tali looked even more confused than before. He was throwing out words that she probably had never even heard before. It was clear that Ziva talked to her mostly in Hebrew. Tony knew very little of it. Leah on the other hand, was fluent. She had to be since most of her work was done in the Middle East. Tali turned towards her stepmother, eyes searching for some kind of translation but Leah didn't offer any.

Leah shifted Jack on her hip as they walked back towards their summer home. "Tony," she said, firmly, "I'm not the only one that has to return to work. You don't think it might be time for you to give NCIS a call? We've been traveling all summer and I know Director Vance worked something out with Human Resources… but we have two children to take care of now and our savings isn't going to last forever."

His shoulders heaved with a sigh. This had been a conversation they had been having since the end of July, when they returned from a two week trip to Italy with his father. "I haven't talked to them much; Tim and Abby email me, and Reeves sends me a note to let me know that he's keeping my desk warm. But other than that, I haven't heard a peep."

"Gibbs doesn't email," Leah reminded him. "And I'm sure they've been busy."

" _Gibbs_ doesn't do any communication these days," Tony said. "Tim says it's like he's put up a force field."

"A what?"

"Force field— _Star Trek._ Can take the geek out and make him a great agent, but you can take the geek out of him."

Leah saw the obvious in front of her. Why didn't Tony? She pulled the gate to their house open and headed up the walk, lined with white daisies. "Tony…" she started to say, but was stopped by him when he placed a hand on her shoulder and pulled her back. She then noticed the rental car in their driveway parked behind her SUV. "We weren't expecting anyone, were we?"

Tony shook his head and let go of Tali's hand. "Stay here. I'll go check it out," he told her. Leaving his family standing on the front walk, Tony quietly crept around towards the back porch. Nothing seemed out of place, but years of being in law enforcement had taught him that sometimes that didn't mean a damn thing. Ziva was a perfect example of someone that could slither around without disturbing anything…

"Boss?"

"DiNozzo. Sounds like you were expecting someone else."

If he was being honest, he thought for a split second he was going to find Ziva. Tony shook his head to clear his thoughts. "I wasn't expecting anyone at all. Why are you here?"

Gibbs leaned forward in the lounge chair he was sitting on. "Thought it was better if you heard the news in person than in a phone call or email."

Tony's heart slammed against his chest. Who was dead _this_ time? Death seemed to be the only news that was passed around to him these days, ever since that farmhouse had burnt to the ground. "Are McGee and Ellie okay?" he asked, anxiously.

"McGee and Bishop are fine. Back in Washington working on something with Reeves," Gibbs answered.

"Ducky have another heart attack?" Tony sputtered.

"No one died, DiNozzo," Gibbs snapped. "At least not yet. Tommy Merchant was let out of prison."

Floods of memories hit Tony square on. He had been just a probie back then, working alongside Gibbs solo. There was no Kate or McGee, hell, Vivian hadn't even joined the team yet. Tommy Merchant had been a kid, seventeen, but due to the nature of his crime, he had been tried and convicted as an adult. "Let out of prison for what? Good behavior?"

Gibbs shrugged. He wasn't concerned with the why, just the what. "My guess, his mother finally got that insanity plea to stick on appeal. Sources tell me he was sent to a psychiatric facility."

Tony took the steps up the porch and leaned against the rail. "You cannot rehabilitate a sociopath, Gibbs. He'll find a way out, he'll work the system, and then what… kill some more?"

"Chance he already did. That's why I'm here. We need you on this case, DiNozzo."

"Boss, I'm flattered, but I'm not ready yet."

"Leah and the kids seem fairly adjusted. You're not?"

"No, it's… it's taking longer than I thought to wrap my brain around Ziva hiding Tali from me all these years."

Leah suddenly peeked her head around the corner, Tali hiding behind her legs and Jack sleeping against her shoulder. "Are we allowed to move now?" she asked, looking at Tony with a bit of a frown. "I have two hungry, tired kids here."

Tony nodded, sheepishly. He had forgotten Leah was standing out front thanks to his surprise of finding Gibbs on the porch. She climbed the stairs with Tali, unlocked the house and stepped inside. He listened to his daughter chatting with his wife through the screen door. _I'm not ready yet,_ he thought again, even as he asked, "Who do you think Mercant killed?"

Gibbs glanced back at the house. "Patricia Wakefield."

"His lawyer? Why is NCIS involved if this is a civilian case?"

"Working with Metro on it. There's concern he's going after the people he feels responsible for putting him in jail."

"So, that means I have a big, red target mark on my back."

"Me too. As well as Ducky and Abby—their findings helped seal the deal."

Tony sat down and rubbed his hands over his face. If Merchant was targeting everyone involved with his case, that meant Leah and the kids could be in danger as well. He was left with no choice. "Guess it doesn't matter if I'm ready, huh?" _I need to keep my family safe._

Gibbs wished he didn't have to force Tony back into the office, but he did. "When we wrap this case up, if you still need some time, Vance has agreed to give it to you. We want your leave to end when _you're_ ready Tony, not when we are."

"Leah's been after me to get back to D.C," the younger man stated.

"So I've heard," the former marine drawled.

Tony smiled, sadly. "She call you?" Gibbs nodded. Tony shook his head, gently. "Should have known. Guess I'm going home to D.C, boss." _Now is as good a time as ever._


	2. Not So Hidden Rage

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "Family First", implied depression/mental illness

 **A/N:** Thank you for the warm response. You guys give me hope in fandoms again lol. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

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Crickets provided the background music for the evening as the smell of citronella permeated the cool, crisp ocean air. There was only a fading pink streak left in the sky and through the open windows of the house the two men sitting on the back porch could hear soft notes of a lullaby.

Gibbs had quietly and humbly accepted Leah's invitation to stay for dinner, which then had turned into staying the night because she couldn't let him drive back to Boston this late. He was glad he had stayed because he was seeing her concerns for Tony up close and personal.

Tony was pretty much silent. In all the years that Gibbs had known the younger man, he had never seen Tony quiet. Gibbs knew that Ziva's death, Tali showing up in his life unexpectedly had certainly punched the SFA in the gut—he just never imagined it had punched him so much that it had knocked the wind completely out of his sails.

"If I hadn't shown up, would you have come back to D.C tomorrow?" Gibbs questioned, breaking the silence.

"If Tommy Merchant wasn't in the picture, you mean?" Tony countered, quietly.

"No offense, DiNozzo, you seem pretty content to wallow."

"Wallowing seems like a fitting sentence."

He was puzzled by this answer. Did Tony actually think he should be punished? Gibbs could not find a single thing in this situation to blame the senior field agent for. It had been Ziva that kept Tali from him and it had been Kort that killed Ziva. If anything, Gibbs should be to blame for not sending someone to check on Ziva sooner… perhaps he should have been the one to do a better job protecting Ziva _not_ Tony.

Sipping his beer and slouching further down in the wicker patio chair, Tony gazed at the house when Leah's lullaby had stopped. He fell back into silence, thinking about the last few hours, hell, even slipping further back and thinking about the last _thirteen_ years. "Would you have shown up if Tommy Merchant hadn't been released from prison?"

Gibbs adverted his eyes. Certainly Leah's phone call a few days ago had raised some concerns but he had work. He could just up and leave D.C to track Tony down, mentally slap him on the back of the head to get him moving… "Would you have come home if I just showed up out of the blue?"

Tony shrugged his broad shoulders. He wasn't in any rush to get back to Washington, even with the news of Merchant's alleged latest killing. "Leah has to go back to the University soon; classes start after Labor Day."

"Leah has to return to Washington, but would you go with her if you didn't have a reason?"

"I would have to go back with her; she'd have the car. I can't stay here without a car."

"Were you planning to be a house husband for the rest of your life?" Gibbs asked. _Come on, Tony. Snap out of this!_

"Being a happy little house husband is a lot safer than being a federal agent," Tony said, drily.

He couldn't argue with that logic and if Tony didn't want to be a federal agent anymore, that was fine with him, but Gibbs needed to know that it was fine with Tony. At this moment in time the team leader wasn't even sure if Tony was _fine_. The younger man was certainly acting like he was not. "You're good at what you do, Tony. You could train, teach. No one says you have to jump back out into the field."

Lips pursed, Tony narrowed his eyes on Gibbs. "Everyone wants to push me back into work. What if I don't want to work?" he challenged. "What if I rather like not having any other responsibilities but taking care of my kids?"

Gibbs sighed and leaned forward. "No one is pushing you, DiNozzo…"

Tony snarled and threw his empty beer bottle into the nearby open trash bin. It clanged against the sides on the way down. "Really? No one? Leah asks me every…single…day… when I'm going back, she calls you, you show up… you don't really _need_ me for this case, boss. You're just using it to shove me out the door!"

His outburst of anger surprised Gibbs. Tony was usually calm. He thought back to the night they found out Ziva was dead. It had been like a beast had been released inside of Tony—pure rage—only dampened by Leah and then the surprise arrival of Tali. "If you don't want to come back…"

Smoldering green eyes captured the faint light of the candles, but just enough that Gibbs could see the fire. "I don't," he snapped, "but I don't have a choice!"

"There's always a choice."

"Like hell there is! There's never a choice with this job! It's either kill or be killed!"

Gibbs stared at Tony. During their phone conversation Leah had mentioned Tony's outbursts of anger that seemed to come from out of nowhere somedays. She said they were never directed at the kids and he never raised a hand to her… she was incredibly terrified to see what her husband was going through. There were more underlying issues here; Tony needed to come home for more than one reason.

Tony rose out of his chair so fast that it tipped backwards, crashing onto the deck. "Speaking of being killed… I need to go pack so I can return to D.C and make sure _that_ doesn't happen."

Behind him, Gibbs heard the screen door slam shut and he let out a soft sigh. He rubbed his hand over his face trying to clear his thoughts. "It's worse than I thought it was," he informed the silent newcomer to the porch. "Wish you had called sooner, Leah."

Leah picked up the chair that Tony had just tossed over. "It's gotten progressively worse since we got back from Italy. I don't know what to do anymore. Certain topics send him into a rage."

"Have you thought about consulting someone?"

"You saw him. Do you honestly think I'm going to get him to a therapist?"

Gibbs knew that answer. Doctor Taft had tried sending him to a therapist last year and ended up going through the backdoor to get the former marine the help he needed. They were going to have to take the same approach with Tony apparently.

Shrill rings from a cell phone broke through the sounds of a summer night. Gibbs reached into his pocket and flipped it open. "Yeah, Gibbs."

" _Boss. Autopsy report came back on Patricia Wakefield. Just like you suspected. A neurotoxin was used to paralyze her."_

"Merchant liked them completely helpless before killing them. Have a copy of that report sent to Ducky."

" _Already did, boss,"_ McGee replied. " _He's looking over it right now."_

Gibbs could sense the unspoken question in McGee's voice. "Good. DiNozzo and I will be heading back to D.C in the morning."

McGee let out a sigh of relief. If only he knew how messed up Tony was at the moment. " _That's great, boss. I'll let the others know Tony's coming back to work."_

He wasn't sure how great this really was. Gibbs eyed Leah for a moment while he ordered McGee to keep him updated, and then he hung up. "I suppose," he said to her, "that I don't have to tell you the dangers of this case."

She shook her head. "No but there's more than just _one_ danger, Gibbs. We shouldn't be fearing just the killer… but fearing what could happen to Tony if he perceives himself as failing… if he loses someone else close to him."

His body stiffened. Gibbs knew the places that Tony could be taken if he lost someone else close to him… Gibbs had been there himself…several times, and he always left a piece of himself behind in those dark places. There was still time for Tony, but they had to act fast. They had to get Merchant and get Tony the help he desperately needed.


	3. A Cruel World

**Warnings:** Spoilers for "Family First", includes mental illness/health concerns

 **A/N:** Sorry for the delay. I've hit some writer's block and working my way through :)

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Chatter of little voices woke Tony up the following morning. Rubbing his eyes, Tony swung his legs over the side of the sofa in the office, and stretched. The blanket he had used fell to the floor at his feet.

Silently, Tony stood up and folded his blanket, placing his pillow on top. His back was sore from sleeping on the small leather sofa for the last couple of weeks but considering how he couldn't sleep in the bed… he would lay awake staring at Leah… some nights they that had gone to bed so angry at one another she had forced him into the study for the night…

Gibbs was seated at the kitchen island sipping his coffee when Tony emerged. There was no hiding the look of surprise on his face when he realized that the younger man was not sleeping in the same bed as his wife. But he didn't say anything. It was obvious after yesterday that it was best to leave some things alone. "Morning," he greeted. "Just got off the phone with McGee… we have a flight out of Boston at two."

"Then we should probably eat breakfast and get going. Traffic could be a bitch," Tony said, pouring himself some coffee.

"Leah's offered to drive us," Gibbs informed him.

"Surprised she isn't in here yelling at me," Tony grumbled. "After all, I'm now giving her the responsibility of driving back to D.C with two small kids, alone."

Sighing, quietly, Gibbs continued to sip his coffee. He was aware of the tension between Tony and Leah; she hadn't gone into detail about it on the phone, but it was present. "She understands, Tony."

Tony stirred the sugar in his coffee furiously. "Not lately, Gibbs. She keeps pushing me back to D.C, everything ends up in an argument. _This_ isn't something you just bounce back from. I would never push her to do something she didn't want to do."

Gibbs did not want to get in the middle of martial problems, but Leah had stood by Tony through so much—it would break his heart if their marriage fell a part because of the secrets that Ziva had kept from Tony… from the death that had deeply impacted all of them, even pushed Tony into a deep depression. "She's pushing you because she loves you, Tony."

He laughed, sarcastically. "I keep hearing that word floating around. She's doing this because she loves you, she took Tali in because she loves you… Ziva _lied_ to me because she loved me… let me tell you something, boss, I'm not feeling the love."

"Know that it's there, Tony," Gibbs assured him, softly. "Right now, you just might not be able to see it."

"The world has a funny and cruel way of showing me love, Gibbs," Tony asserted, finally looking at the former marine.

"Maybe… but the world also gave you a loving wife and kids. You take the good with the bad."

"Good… forgive me but I see very little good in the world at the moment."

Movement caught Gibbs' eye. He glanced over to see that Leah had returned to the kitchen to start cleaning. A look of hurt flashed through her blue eyes. How often had she been told that their life wasn't _good_ this summer? "After Shannon died, I saw very little good, Tony. It gets better," he said, more for Leah than anyone else.

Tony felt his shoulders sag. He had been hoping at the start of the summer to feel more like himself by the end. Traveling to Italy, to the Cape, spending very little time in Washington had done little to help him. Running is hand over his face, he dumped the coffee he had not drank down the sink. "I've been waiting for things to get better for three months now, Gibbs. Nothing's changed."

Leah took the mug from him silently and began to scrub away at it furiously. She didn't want to start another fight, but the reason why nothing had changed was because Tony was still wallowing. She didn't know Ziva, but she felt she knew enough to come to the conclusion that the Israeli woman would not have wanted Tony to wallow about in the face of her death. Which, was leading her to believe that Tony's issue wasn't just grief… everything that had happened to him in his life, coupled with the history of mental illness in his family… Leah was convinced her husband was clinically depressed. "Do you want snacks for the flight?" she asked, changing the subject before she burst into tears.

Gibbs waited to see if Tony was going to answer, when he didn't utter a word, he smiled at her. "Snacks would be good. What have you got laying around here?"

"Goldfish, fruit snacks… you know kid stuff," Leah said. "Sorry we don't have anything more sophisticated."

"Those work for me. It isn't a long flight," Gibbs replied.

"Just don't let Tali see you taking those fruit snacks," she warned him with a sad smile, "they're her favorite."

"I'll make sure to replace them and thank her."

"Strawberry is her favorite."

Tony unconsciously winced. These were conversations that Ziva should be having with Gibbs _not_ Leah. As he had done so often in the last three months, he replayed that final night in Israel over and over again. It was one moment of weakness, a desperate attempt to get Ziva to come back to D.C with him. If only he had been a bit stronger…

Leah was speaking to him and he only caught the last bit of what she was saying. "You should have some breakfast before we drive to Boston."

His appetite had been sparse the last few months. He ate when he felt like it… which was resulting in a noticeable weight loss. Tony shrugged. "Not hungry… and you don't have to drive us. We can take the rental car and return it."

Her eyes darted towards Gibbs who remained silent. "If we drop the rental off down here, it's one last stop you have to make before going to the airport… and I'm going in that direction anyways. We're going to spend a few days with my parents. My mother wants to take Tali shopping."

For some reason this rubbed him the wrong way. Tony scowled at his wife. "Why? She isn't her granddaughter and we're perfectly capable of providing for our kids."

"She wants to do something nice," Leah said. "Tali doesn't any fall or winter clothing. She needs a lot."

"Fine, do whatever you want," Tony snapped, turning about on his heel. "I'm going to shower."

Gibbs and Leah watched as Tony stormed out of the kitchen. Leah blinked back several tears and went back to cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast. Gibbs stayed quiet, sipping his coffee, because, quite honestly… he didn't know what to tell her.

* * *

Timothy McGee dusted off the top of the desk in front of him. It had been occupied by Clayton Reeves for the summer, but the MI-6 operative had been called back to England for assignment and now, the desk was eagerly awaiting its rightful owner, who at any moment was due to arrive from the airport any moment now.

It wasn't like the team had not operated without Tony, they had, quite well, but Gibbs had been in even more of funk since the senior field agent had taken the leave of absence. The team leader's odd behavior since Ziva's death and Tony's leaving had been quite a shock to Tim. He had hoped that Gibbs would have shown more emotion after all Ziva was like a daughter to Gibbs, Tony one of his closest friends…

Ellie plopped a coffee down onto the desk and smiled brightly. "I got Tony's favorite. Figured it would be something nice and welcoming."

Tim returned the smile. He had missed his best friend the last few months. Tim and Delilah had only seen Tony, briefly, when they joined the DiNozzos on the Cape for a weekend. Tony had distanced himself from his visitors, leaving Leah and the kids to entertain them. "I think Tony's ready to come home. He was quiet when Delilah and I went to visit him."

"I'm sure Leah is ready to send him back to work," Ellie teased as she sat down at her desk. "Someone as active as Tony doesn't like to sit still for very long."

"Probably driving her crazy," Tim muttered. "Tony was never made for staying in one place for too long. He needs the action."

Ellie glanced at Tony's desk. She had only seen him once since he had left—at Tim and Delilah's wedding in July. The DiNozzos had just returned from Italy. Tony seemed content, smiling, life had settled for the family and Tali was adjusting to living with her father and stepmother. "What do we know about this case?" she asked, changing the subject.

Tim brought the file up onto the plasma. "Tommy Merchant was seventeen when he was arrested for murdering three women. He tortured them, sadistically, before killing them. Paralyzed them so they couldn't fight back. The neurotoxin found in Patricia Wakefield's body connects Merchant to the case., it was the same one used in the previous three murders."

"His life in prison was hard," Ellie remarked. "Numerous trips to the infirmary for injuries inflicted by other inmates."

"He was in with a lot of lifers," Tim said. "Not surprising he became their target, seeing how young he was."

"Going after all these people he feels are responsible for his torture… it's a long list."

"Well, he already got one—the lawyer."

Ellie flipped open her file folder. "The judge that oversaw his trial passed away last year—the D.A retired and moved to the Florida Keys. That leaves Gibbs, Tony, Ducky, and Abby."

Tim nodded. "Abby and Ducky have protection details. Metro was looking into the locations of the jury."

She sighed. "Do you think he'd go after the jury?"

"Yes," Tony's hard voice snapped, announcing his arrival. "He's a cold blooded killer."

Ellie beamed when she saw him, her brown eyes sparkling with welcome, but as she got up to give him a hug… she could feel the tension rolling off of him in waves. "Welcome back! I got… I got your favorite coffee. It's on your desk."

Tony softly thanked her and picked the coffee up, looking down at his desk with a frown. "Not my desk—it's Reeves'. Where is the suave Brit anyways?"

Tim was rattled by Tony's cold, stiff demeanor. _This_ wasn't like Tony. "He had to go back to England for a while. MI-6 had an assignment for him. They said they could loan him back to us when the assignment was complete."

He grunted an answer and sat down at his desk. Tony flipped his computer on and stared at the screen, lost in the memories of the last time he sat here. Life had just been turned upside down, completely… he wasn't sure if he had turned it back right side up yet. _Leah would say no…_

"Did you have a good flight?" Ellie asked, making small talk.

"It was fine. Quick and painless," Tony said with a shrug.

"Gibbs talk at all?" Tim questioned.

"No. What do we have to talk about?" Tony threw out, hotly.

Tim blinked. "You… you always find something to talk about."

Tony grabbed his coffee and stood up. "Yeah, and things change," he snarled. "Going to go say _hi_ to Abs."

Ellie moved out of his way, startled by the outburst of anger in him. Looking at Tim, she realized he was surprised as well. In three months their partner had completely changed—for the worse.


	4. Fortress

**Warnings:** Mentions of mental illness, thoughts of suicide implied...

 **A/N:** This will be the last update for this story for a few days. Next week I'm going to focus on my other stories. Enjoy!

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Another body of someone else connected to the first case had appeared. This time Metro wasted no time calling NCIS in.

Tony felt vastly out of place riding in the car besides Gibbs as they drove to the crime scene. He felt constricted by the collar of his dress shirt, the fitted blazer against his body and the itchy dress pants and as they pulled up to a secluded area outside the city, he felt even more constricted. He just wasn't ready and yet he was left with very little choice.

Gibbs parked the car behind the NCIS truck and got out silently, popping the trunk to grab his gear. He noticed that Tony wasn't moving with any sense of urgency, and if he was honest, he was not surprised.

Tony clenched his sweaty palms. It wasn't like he had never done this before… he had made a living on investigating crime scenes and dead bodies. Slamming his eyes shut, he counted to ten, and then worked up the courage to get out of the car.

His gear was waiting by the wheel for him. Tony swallowed and slipped on the familiar windbreaker and hat, grabbed the backpack and proceeded towards the taped off area.

"Sir? I need to see your credentials," the officer standing guard said.

"What?" Tony asked, confused.

"Your identification. Only authorized personnel are allowed passed this tape."

"Sorry. I'm a little out of practice."

Tony found his ID and showed it to the officer, who barely looked at it he noticed, but let him underneath the tape anyways. Shoving the ID into his back pocket he noticed that the team was already working. _They don't need me,_ he thought. _What the hell am I doing here, sticking my neck out like this?_

Tim looked over at him then, pale green eyes filled with concern. Tony felt as though he been stripped down to his very soul, as if Tim could see every little imperfection…

"Anthony!" Ducky greeted him, warmly. "It was starting to feel like this leave of absence was permanent."

"It would be if I had my way," Tony said, coldly. "Fortunately for you, and NCIS, my wife got her way."

Ducky glanced anxiously at Gibbs. The amount of venom in Tony's words was shocking. He had never heard the younger man use such a tone of voice when talking about Leah. "Surely Leah would never push you do something that you didn't want too. Doesn't seem in her nature."

Tony dropped his bag at his feet, his eyes focusing on the dead body of a former MP that had discovered the first victim back in the day. "Trust me, she has it in her."

Gibbs snapped his fingers. "Hey," he directed towards Ducky, "can you give me a time of death yet?"

The medical examiner found his liver probe and slid it into the body. He waited for the reading and then made his calculation. "I'd estimate that he died between eight and ten hours ago. Did anyone report him missing?"

"No," Tim reported. "His wife is out of town and his neighbor says he's goes camping all the time when she is."

"So, his absence was normal," Tony said, frustrated. "Doesn't get us any closer to finding Merchant."

"We've got almost everyone involved in that original case covered," Gibbs assured Tony. "We just have to be patient."

"Patient?" Tony yelled. "How many lives are going to be lost because we're being _patient?_ "

Gibbs realized he had to diffuse the situation but he wasn't sure how. In the past he knew exactly how to calm Tony… but this new Tony, the one filled with so much anger at the world around him—Gibbs didn't have a clue. "DiNozzo, I know you want him caught quickly so you can… go back on leave… but I can't make promises…"

Tony frowned and grabbed his backpack. "I'm going to sketch," he mumbled, moving away from the group and physically putting the distance between himself and the team that he was emotionally feeling.

Ducky sighed when the senior field agent was out of earshot. "Leah was right. Anthony is clearly suffering clinical depression. I suppose after everything he has been through it was bound to happen. He needs professional help, Jethro."

"One problem at a time, Duck," Gibbs responded. "Leah's been trying to find someone; getting Tony there is another problem altogether."

"Mental illness can tear families to pieces," Ducky said, calmly. "Even if Tony gets through this on his own… it might be too late; Leah might have taken the kids and left him."

"Legally she can only take Jack," Tim interjected. "She wanted to legally adopt Tali but according to Delilah, Tony balked at that idea—said Ziva was her mother and that was that."

Gibbs watched as Tony worked. From this distance it felt like nothing had changed but everything had. He knew the emotions that the senior field agent was going through all too well, and years later he often times wondered if his daughter had survived the car accident if he would have handled the loss of Shannon better. Watching Tony, who had a loving wife and two children, crumble… he concluded it might not have mattered. "Ducky, do you still have that number for Rachel Cranston?"

Ducky nodded. "Yes. She moved to California to take a job at UCLA. When we get back to NCIS I'll give her a call… perhaps she can come out here to observe Anthony."

He felt little relief but it was a push in the right direction. Gibbs waved the team off, telling them to get back to work, when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Pulling it out he saw Leah's number flash across his screen. _Damn it, Tony, I told you to call her when we landed._ "We made it to D.C fine," he answered, expecting that to be why she was calling.

" _I…I know that,"_ Leah stammered. " _Tony called me while he was at baggage claim."_

"What's wrong?" Gibbs asked, hearing the fear in her voice.

" _My parents came down to help me clean the house,"_ Leah said, on the verge of tears, _"I found… Gibbs I found a note addressed to me…"_

"A note? I'm confused, Leah. Why are you calling me?"

" _It was a suicide note, Gibbs—from Tony—he's… he's been thinking about killing himself."_

Gibbs flashed back to sitting on that beach, holding his gun in front of him and wondering if he should eat it. His eyes traveled towards Tony, still sketching, and he felt sick to his stomach. Rachel couldn't get here fast enough and he was going to have to seriously consider pulling Tony from this case… "Listen, I know a doctor. I'm getting in touch with her… just, breathe, Leah…"

Leah was trying to take steady breaths, but it was clear she was panicked. " _He's worse off than I thought. I just… I just don't know what to do anymore!"_

He could relate to her pain. She was trying her best to keep her family together and the one she loved the most was unraveling before her very eyes. "I've got his six, Leah," Gibbs assured her before hanging up, "Promise."

* * *

Katherine Dawson found her daughter curled up on a wicker loveseat out on the master bedroom balcony. It had been clear to both Katherine and John that Leah was on the verge of a mental breakdown when they had spent the afternoon with her the day before. Finding the suicide note that Tony had drafted days before was the reality check that John and Katherine were blindsided with.

Since May the couple had known Tony and Leah's life had been in turmoil—Tali, although a joy, had been a shock. Tony, who was so devoted to his son, had been frustrated that his daughter had been hidden from him—and it was clear he was carrying around regrets, not just about the failed attempt at a relationship with Ziva, but in the failure to prevent her death.

The Dawsons had seen very little of Leah and Tony over the summer. Tony had taken the family to Italy, to where his family had immigrated from. After that they had gone straight to the Cape and the Dawsons' summer home. John had his concerns much sooner than Katherine that there was something wrong.

Finding that note where Tony apologized to Leah for everything, that she deserved better and taking his own life was for the best—that was the only solid evidence they needed.

"Your dad took the kids down to the beach," Katherine said, stepping out onto the balcony.

"Good, they love the water," Leah whispered, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Honey… it's going to be okay. Tony has a lot of people that love and care about him," Katherine said, reaching out and stroking her daughter's hair. "Everyone is going to make sure he gets the help he needs."

Leah sat up, brushing her mother's hand off her shoulder. "I want _my_ Tony—the one that would do anything for me, for our kids—the one that was filled with so much love, not this rage. What if that's too much to ask for? What if my Tony never comes back?"

Katherine took her daughter by the hand and gave it a squeeze. "It was your Tony that didn't follow through with that note, Leah. He was the one that said _no._ Your Tony is still in there, fighting, he just needs someone to fight with him, someone who knows _how_ to fight with him."

She got up off the loveseat, quickly. Immediately her mother could recognize that she had gone into her hyper focused state that usually only occurred when she was rushing to meet deadlines at George Washington. Leah threw open some drawers and tossed a pile of her clothes onto the bed. "I need to pack. I need to get into that car this afternoon and drive home and stop him… stop him from destroying our lives…. destroying his!"

"Jethro will take care of him until you get there," Katherine said, following her.

"Jethro? Since when are you on a first name basis with Gibbs?" Leah asked.

"Since he called us frequently while you were away in Italy. He was worried about all of you."

"He doesn't need to worry about me. I'm fine!"

Katherine looked at her incredulously. "Are you, Leah? You've had to hold everything together, provide a stable environment for two small children while _traveling_ …"

Leah shoved her clothes, unfolded into the bag, which wasn't like her. Usually everything was neatly packed. "Adjusting to having Tali was difficult. She barely spoke any English and for a while I was the only one that could communicate with her, and damn it, Mom, she needed a place to call home!"

Her daughter had just as much rage as her son-in-law. "Then take her home to Washington—tomorrow—when you're level headed, capable of driving."

"I… I would never put those kids in danger!"

"I know, honey, that's why you need to wait until tomorrow."

"Tony… needs me," Leah whimpered. _Or he used too, I can't tell anymore. No… you need_ him, _and the one you fell in love with… not… not this shell he's become…_ Tears ran waterfalls down her cheeks as she glanced at her mother. "I need him, Mom, I need him to get better."

Katherine gathered her youngest into her arms and hugged her tightly, like she had when Leah's first boyfriend dumped her or when the young woman had first gotten a rough grade in college after flying through high school. There had been no words to really comfort her daughter back then—there certainly were no words of comfort now.

* * *

His dress shirt was sticky thanks to the humidity. Tony forgot how humid it got in Washington over the summer. It had plastered the shirt to his body and he couldn't wait to be rid of the clothes once he made it home that night.

If he did make it home that night. Gibbs had been working them hard all day, sending Tony everywhere and anywhere with Tim to gather interviews, check in on others involved with the case to make sure they were alive. If he didn't know any better he'd say that Gibbs was purposefully keeping him out of the office.

Tony dug his wallet out and stepped up to the cart.

Immediately the young girl's eyes brightened. "Agent DiNozzo!" she greeted with a smile, reminding Tony that they'd had a friendly relationship. "I didn't know you were back! How are the kids? I bet they're big, huh?"

"Enjoying the Cape right now I hope," Tony said, before placing his order for his usual. "Jack started walking."

"I knew he was going to take off over the summer," the girl said as she made his drink. "Especially now that he has a big sister to chase after. Do they get along well?"

"Yeah… Tali… is good to him," Tony said with a wince. He missed the kids, but Leah had yet to call and tell him when she was heading home. "Jack is just happy to have someone else to play with."

She chuckled as she handed him his coffee. "Jack is just happy, period."

He winced again, paid for his coffee and stepped out of line. Tony wandered for a bit until he found a bench and sat down. Where had _that_ Agent DiNozzo gone? The one that would talk to anyone, form relationships with anyone around him? He didn't even talk to the flight attendants on their flights… he had built up the tallest wall that he could and kept _everyone_ out. Forget the wall, he had built a fortress.

Across the Navy Yard, Tony spotted Tim making his way towards the SFA. Gibbs must have had another errand for them to run. It was getting close to dinner…

"Boss wants us to go check on Graham Milton," Tim informed him when he arrived.

"Milton was the witness that placed Merchant on the base the night Louisa Ramon was killed," Tony said.

"He lives in cow country now. Ready for a drive?"

"Clever."

Tim looked at him, puzzled. "Huh?"

Tony stood, clutching his coffee. "Gibbs. Doing everything he can to keep me moving. Active. Like it's going to change my mind and make me realize that I belong here."

His partner looked a little deflated. "Tony, you do belong here. Is this about Ziva? Because you know she'd slap you silly right now if she could hear you talk."

"Ziva was just the tip of the iceberg," Tony said with a shake of his head, and not elaborating further, countered, "Come on, I'll let you drive."


	5. Signs

**Warnings:** Mentions of suicide, mental illness **  
**

 **A/N:** I know that Tony is very OOC in this, but honestly, I'm surprised we didn't see Tony break on the show. He's been through HELL in 13 years. Ziva dying, Tali showing up IMO was the catalyst; it doesn't mean I do not think that Tony is not a strong person, just in this story he needs the help of his friends, family, and a professional to get back. You'll start to see some of that in this chapter.

* * *

Graham Milton was surprised to learn Tommy Merchant was out of prison. "They let that wacko out? Wow… never thought I would see the day when he walked the streets again… not after reading about that poor girl."

Tony tapped his pad against his leg. "Girls. There were three victims… that we were aware of. There's a possibility that Merchant murdered more of them… they were just never found."

"Shame," Milton said with a shake of his head. "Kid probably did need help instead of jail time."

"He still killed three women," Tony argued. _And there's no known cure for a sociopath._ "Possibly two more since getting out."

Milton fixed his afternoon tea. In his late sixties now, he had been on the base that morning to do some gardening when he noticed Merchant. "Well, he hasn't come around here Agent DiNozzo. Obviously, because I'm still alive."

Tony continued to tap the pad against his leg. The musty smell of old newspapers and fabric softener giving him a slight headache. He wanted to go home. _I want Leah._ He blinked and slumped against the wall behind him, that was covered in yellowed floral wallpaper from the 1970s. He hadn't wanted Leah in a couple of months. "We're going to have to take you into protective custody."

"You really think Merchant's going to come all the way out here for little old me?" Milton asked.

"He's on a quest to make all of us pay," Tony said with a shrug.

"Driving me back to D.C isn't going to keep you from your wife is it?"

"Pardon?"

Milton gestured towards Tony's wedding band. "I was married thirty years, Agent DiNozzo. Always made sure to get home to my wife after a long, hard, day's work."

Tony felt his heart ache. His job prevented him from going home to Leah every night. There was a chance it could take him away from her permanently. "She'll understand. Comes with the job, unfortunately."

The older man chuckled while he drank his tea. "Your wife must be a saint."

He sighed. Tony couldn't stop the bubble of emotions that swelled up inside of him. For the first time in months he felt something other than anger or sadness…he felt fear. What was he doing to himself? To Leah? To their kids? What would Leah think if she knew he had sat on their bed, holding a note in one hand and his gun in the other. He shuddered thinking about her finding his body… "She's pretty special. Could stand to be treated better by me."

Tim came through the creaky back door at that point, slipping his phone in his pocket. "Just got off the phone with Monroe. FBI is going to take over Graham's protection detail."

"So our job now is taxi service to the FBI," Tony said with a heavy sigh. "Probably should pack, Graham."

"Give me a few," Milton said, disappearing from the kitchen.

Tony pushed off the wall, turning to look at the floral pattern. He traced it with his finger, heaving another big sigh. "I was so eager when I first met him," he mumbled. "I wanted so badly to impress Gibbs."

Tim followed Tony's movements with his eyes. He wondered if Ducky had gotten in touch with Rachel yet. "There's no need to impress him anymore, Tony. You've more than impressed him. You don't need him anymore to be a great agent."

He sighed once again, letting all his anger just deflate. "Is that why he was so cold to me all year? It didn't help when Tali showed up that Gibbs kept me at arms' length. I really could have used his advice."

"I know Gibbs doesn't like to talk, but maybe you need to talk to him… you know _really_ talk to him."

"Could be too late for that, Probie. I haven't given Gibbs any reason to care about what happens to me in the last two days."

Tim glared at the back of Tony's head. "Come on, Tony. Gibbs went up to the Cape to retrieve you; he's been talking to your in-laws because he's worried about you and Leah."

Tony was surprised. He turned slightly and glanced at his partner. He had distanced himself from his family so he had not spoken much to his in-laws. "Gibbs talked to Katherine and John?"

He nodded, gently. "Yeah, after you left for Italy. Your dad came down to NCIS… he was… he told us you were not acting like yourself. Your in-laws basically confirmed what your father was saying. I think more people care about you than you believe, Tony."

Shaken, Tony informed Tim that he needed to step outside for air. Once outside he took a deep breath and reached into his pocket. He found his cell phone and stared at the screen. Running his thumb over it, the screen lit up and Leah was smiling back at him. _You need to stop this,_ a voice said in the back of his head, _you need to stop this for her._ Blinking back tears, he unlocked the phone and found her name on his contact list. He opened a new text message.

If he was going to get off this path of self-destruction, he needed to start now. Tony was terrified, like when he had the Plague. He was never afraid— _when the danger is something you can confront._

Kate. He suddenly realized that the voice he had been hearing, trying to reason with him, was Kate. Swallowing his emotions, he swiftly typed a message to Leah. It was short, because his vision was blurred with tears, and it simply read, _I love you._

* * *

Leah had fallen asleep, face down on the large bed. She was only woken up by her cell phone vibrating near her leg, causing the bed to move.

Rolling over onto her back, she managed to find her phone. Believing that it was her father letting her know that he was returning from the beach with the kids, Leah hit the home button. She was surprised to see Tony's name on the screen. It was the first time he had reached out to her, besides the courtesy call that he had landed in Washington.

Her heart skipped a beat seeing his name. Leah felt tears spring to her eyes even before she read his message— _love you_. Months had gone by since Tony had texted her something like this. He used to do it all the time before his leave, before their lives had turned upside down and he'd been dragged down into a dark, emotional abyss.

She wiped her eyes clean of the tears and responded back— _I love you too._ Leah cried, silently, hugging her phone to her chest, thanking God that finally, finally, she had been shown a sign of _her_ Tony returning to her.

* * *

Gibbs had managed to convince Tony to come back to his house for the night. With the discovery of the suicide note, the team leader was concerned that his senior field agent was going to try something if he was alone.

Tony didn't argue going with Gibbs. Since returning from picking up Milton, Tony had been subdued. Another extreme mood swing that Leah had informed the former marine that her husband was going through. If he wasn't raging mad, he was quiet, mute. He didn't even react when he saw Rachel Cranston sitting on the sofa.

Rachel studied him for a moment. She had been in town already when Ducky called her. Hearing what the medical examiner had to say, she was deeply worried about Tony. "Hi," she greeted brightly. "Figured I'd stop by for dinner."

"Ordered a pizza," Gibbs said, leaving the two alone in the living room. "Beers in the fridge."

"Should I be having alcohol?" Tony asked, honestly, in a haze. "It will only add to my depression."

"Are you depressed, Tony?" the doctor questioned, nervously.

"That's why you're here, isn't it?" the senior field agent asked, gesturing towards her.

"I'm here if you need to talk," Rachel proclaimed, smiling warmly.

Tony sighed and slumped even further into the old sofa cushions. "My mother suffered depression. I was a cop for years. I know the signs… I don't eat, I don't sleep… you know just as much as I do that I'm depressed. No offense, Doctor, I don't need your expertise to tell me what's wrong with me."

Rachel's eyes darted towards the basement door where Gibbs had disappeared through. "Do you think something is wrong with you?"

He shrugged his shoulders. Tony refused to look at her. "Yes. I don't feel normal."

She nodded in understanding. "Why don't you feel normal, Tony?"

Tony rubbed his hands over his face, laughing softly, sarcastically. "On the Cape, I would lay awake at night, next to Leah, and think about how to end my life. My gun, jumping off a bridge into the ocean… pills. I thought I was going to be freeing Leah of all her worries. _That_ is not normal, Doc."

Rachel felt a pang in her heart hearing him talk like this. Her brown eyes softened as she asked him, "Why didn't you kill yourself?"

"Tali… I was sitting on the bed with the note and the gun," Tony said, heavily. "And she came into the room. She wanted me to take her to the beach. That's when I realized how selfish I was being and the anger… the anger just took over. Every little thing made me want to scream."

"Your daughter has a powerful presence in your life… and your son?" Rachel questioned. "How does Jackson fit into how you're feeling right now?"

Tony pursed his lips, glanced at her, regretfully. "Failed him, Doc. I did the one thing I promised him I would never do—I hurt his mother, I became my father."

Rachel was not aware that anything had gotten physical with Leah; Gibbs didn't seem to think it had gone that far. "Have you… been violent towards your wife?"

Anger flashed in his eyes for a moment before Tony answered, "What? No! I would never physically harm her! But I've deeply hurt her, emotionally. I told you, I became my father. Couldn't resist temptation and look what it got me—a daughter. My actions hurt Leah, not my fists."

"Leah didn't have to take Tali in. She could have refused."

"She's too kindhearted to do that. She really deserves better than me."

"Is that how she feels?"

"I don't know. She should."

Rachel leaned back in her seat. She was going to have to talk to Leah. Somehow she didn't think Tony's wife would feel like she deserved better… "Have you talked to her since coming back to Washington?"

Tony swallowed the bile in his throat. "I called her when we landed. A text message earlier today."

She nodded. "What did you say in that text message?"

He blinked some tears back. "I told her I loved her."

"Did she say anything back to you?"

"She… she said… she loved me too."

Rachel smiled at him sadly. "Then you have your answer, Tony. She doesn't feel she deserves better. If anything, she probably wants to help you."

Tony couldn't stop his tears this time. He wiped at his eyes and stood up. "Yeah, well, it's a nice thought, Doc, but I don't think she can help me. No one can."

* * *

 _Gibbs and Tony are going to have that "heart-to-heart" conversation in the next chapter...  
_


	6. Blank Space

**Warnings:** Spoilers for S13, my story "Slowly Fading Away" **  
**

 **A/N:** _._ This is a longer chapter but Gibbs and Tony had A LOT to chat about; FYI this isn't going to be their only "talk".

* * *

Early the following morning, Rachel was gone.

Tony found Gibbs at the dining room table, a newspaper in his hand, a cup of coffee at his side. Strangely the familiar sight brought a lot of comfort to the senior field agent. It gave him hope that, maybe, perhaps he could return to something normal. "Hey, boss," he said, joining Gibbs.

Gibbs looked up from his paper. "'Morning. Sleep okay?" he asked the younger man, even though he was aware of the dark circles underneath Tony's eyes.

"About the same since May," Tony answered honestly.

"It wasn't your fault, Tony," Gibbs assured him.

He winced and stared at his mug. Tony was starting to see that, slowly. Being back on the job was opening his eyes to the ebb and flow of life again, that sometimes things were completely out of his hands. "I know, boss," he said, softly. "At least, I'm starting to think _I know._ "

Taking a sip of his coffee, Gibbs nodded his head. "Good. You're a hell of an agent, Tony. I would hate for this to keep you down—so wouldn't Ziva. I'm sure the last thing on her mind was blaming you for what happened."

Tony subconsciously played with the wedding band on his finger. "When Ziva called, and asked about Leah… what… what did you tell her?"

Gibbs sighed and folded his paper up. "I told her the truth, Tony. It took you a long time to even think about going on a date, that you had been blaming yourself for the decisions she made… I told her that Leah fixed a broken man and her heart was pure."

"Did she ask if I was happy?"

"She did and she was glad that you were. She didn't want you wasting your life away over her."

"Sometimes… I think about if she had picked up the phone that night I called her… if she had told me about the pregnancy..."

"You told her you met someone. She knew that you never would have told her if you didn't think it was serious."

Tony stared at his coffee. Meeting Leah had been a life altering, lifesaving event for him. He had been backed into such a dark place by Ziva's rejection. Leah had pulled him from the darkness, showing him that love was still possible for him. "As much as I loved her, it wouldn't have worked out. Ziva… never really got me… obviously, she kept Tali from me because she thought I'd be happier that way."

Gibbs stood up and went to pour himself some more coffee. "So why do you keep beating yourself up about it, Tony?" he asked honestly when he sat back down.

He laughed, angrily. "Good question. You know, for all intents and purposes, I shouldn't be beating myself up. It's clear that Ziva didn't love me, no matter how many times Abby wants to insist that she did. Maybe I'm beating myself up because I took a lot of risks out there in Israel. I risked my career lying to you, and even though I know the consequences of not using protection, Ziva wasn't even certain she could have children after what happened to her in Somalia. Her birth control had lapsed, but I didn't care. I slept with her as a last ditch effort to keep her with me."

"DiNozzo, you were emotionally compromised. Desperate. If Jenny had given me the chance, instead of the _Dear John_ letter, I might have done the same as you," Gibbs confessed, watching Tony's green eyes soften.

"I walked around the Middle East in a haze that summer. Why didn't you pull me?" Tony asked, searching Gibbs eyes. "I mean… I had to be showing the signs of going crazy."

Gibbs sighed and shrugged. "Nothing was going to pull you from Israel. You had to come to the end of the road on your own, not with me yanking you out of there."

Tony pushed his coffee mug away from him and ran his hands over his face. "Always a bad idea to put two emotionally compromised people, who are sexually attracted to each other, on a farm—alone."

"You're only human."

"Don't feel human right now."

"Give it time," Gibbs assured him. _You'll get back to feeling human again, Tony, promise._

"Are you mad at me?" Tony asked, catching him off guard. "I mean, about Ziva?"

"Why would I be mad?" Gibbs inquired. "Ziva made her choices."

Tony licked his lips. "Just feels like some days… you are. When I was in the hospital I kept hearing about how worried you were, but you barely showed up to visit me."

Gibbs regretted that Tony's injuries had happened during some of his darkest days of his own recovery. "No, Tony, I wasn't mad at you about Ziva. She couldn't be an agent anymore and she felt that she didn't belong here in D.C. Like I said, she made her choices. We have to live with them."

His eyes grew moist, filled with tremendous sadness. "Are you angry at me about Budd?"

Every emotion he'd felt about his life and death experience, hit Gibbs full bore. He buried the intense emotions and said, "Yes. At first I was but I was angry about everything last year, Tony."

"So… why take it out on me? _That_ hurt."

"You… were the easy target. I'm sorry, Tony."

"I needed you, when Orli showed up with Tali… I needed you, and you weren't there," Tony whispered, trying to hide the vulnerability in his voice. "Leah was… she was great… but I needed the man that was the closest thing I had to a father… and you weren't there."

"I'm here now, Tony," Gibbs said, gripping the younger man's shoulder tightly. "I know it doesn't make up for last year, and I don't expect you to forgive me… but I want you to know that I'm here, now. I'm going to help you through this, with Leah and Rachel—Tim, Ducky… do you understand? You're not in this alone."

Tony swallowed the bile in his throat. "I think… I think I'm starting to understand."

Gibbs squeezed Tony's shoulder reassuringly. "Good. That's a good start, Tony."

He took a shuddering breath. It might be a good start, but was it enough? At this point, Tony wasn't sure. He felt that same ache for Leah that he'd felt yesterday at Graham Milton's house. "I miss Leah, boss. Last night, I just wanted to hold her to make me feel better."

His hand didn't leave Tony's shoulder. Gibbs could understand the ache for the woman he loved—unfortunately in his case, the woman that he ached for was no longer alive. For Tony, however, Leah was very much alive. "She's coming home today, remember? Her dad was driving back to D.C with her."

"It will still be at least another day before I _see_ her," Tony lamented. "I can't… I can't stop this if she isn't here."

"No, but you can start, Tony," Gibbs told him. "Stay here again tonight."

"So I can chat with Rachel?"

"Did it help?"

"A little… I think… I'm not sure."

"Then, yes, so you can chat with Rachel."

Tony shifted uncomfortably in his seat while Gibbs cell phone rang. He downed the rest of his coffee while the team leader chatted on the phone. Listening in on the conversation, Tony got the impression he was going to need it—it was going to be a long day.

Gibbs returned, silently putting his phone back into his pocket. He gazed at Tony, noticing the dark circles underneath the younger man's eyes. He was pushing Tony to take on too much. "You know, I've got some things that need to be done around the house…"

His green eyes filled with understanding. Tony glanced around. "Noticed the living room needs a fresh coat of paint… maybe some color, to you know, brighten the place up a bit. Always felt like a cave in here, boss."

He was happy to see some sense of humor. Perhaps it meant that Tony was crawling his way back. Gibbs reached into his pocket and retrieved his wallet. He threw some money on the table. "Here, knock yourself out."

"Are you giving me the day off to _paint?_ "

"I'm giving you the day off to give you some time. I need to stop pushing you, Tony."

"How many times should I expect a phone call today?"

"Nothing too wild on the color, DiNozzo. Watch your six."

Tony smiled, sadly. "Don't worry boss. I'll make sure I have my weapon on me at all times.

Gibbs hesitated for a moment. "If you need to talk…"

"I promise I'll call," Tony assured him.

Giving a little nod of his head, Gibbs grabbed his gear and headed out to NCIS. He was concerned for Tony but he knew that smothering his SFA was not going to help. It would just alienate Tony from him even more. He needed to work on building up Tony's trust in him once again, prove to him that he was going to be there, because he had not been there when Tony had been injured or when Tali had been plopped into his life unexpectedly.

Tony sighed once Gibbs was gone. He slowly was starting to feel like he was worth something again, seeing that the team leader was worried he might think about ending his life. Deep down inside the senior field agent had already decided that committing suicide was not going to solve anything. In fact, Tony had come to realize that it would only make matters worse.

* * *

Leah shouldered her way through the crowded rest area, with Jack on her hip and Tali glued to her side. They had stopped in New Jersey to eat, use the restroom, and allow the kids to stretch their legs a bit. She had just come from changing Jack and having the joyful experience of using a less than clean bathroom with a two-and-a-half-year-old who was potty training.

Now, she was beginning to understand why her father had insisted on driving back to Washington with her. _This_ was a nightmare even with her dad along for the ride. She was always nervous about losing Tali in the crowd, even when the little girl was keeping a death grip on her hand, but this crowd… she was terrified the little girl was going to be swallowed whole.

John was waiting for them at the car. He had a bag of McDonald's in his hand and immediately Tali's face brightened. He laughed, "You know, your father mentioned to me once that your mother had an obsession with American fast food."

"I get nuggets?" Tali asked, looking up at the man she had started to call _grampa_ over the summer. "Fries?"

"Of course I got the little nugget some chicken nuggets and fries," John said with a smile. He picked the little girl up and led the way to a nearby picnic table. Helping Tali get settled, John opened the bag of food.

Leah reached into her diaper bag and pulled out some wet wipes. "Wait! Wash your hands first," she told Tali. "That bathroom was disgusting I want to make sure we got all the germs."

John rolled his eyes while Tali followed Leah's instructions. "For someone that has spent a lot of time in third world countries, you are a little bit germaphobic."

She glared at her father. "Daddy, I've had all my shots and vaccinations. I don't want my children getting whatever bacteria is residing in that restroom."

He reached out and rubbed Tali's back while the little girl ate her chicken nuggets. John gazed at his daughter, lovingly. "I haven't had a chance to tell you this, but I'm proud of you, Leah. You opened your arms to a child that needed it. I didn't know her mother, but I would think Ziva would be at peace knowing that Tali is loved and taken care of and happy."

"I just knew how I would have felt as a mother," Leah whispered. She smiled at Tali and tickled her toes making the little girl giggle. "Besides, who could resist this sweet little face." _Especially when she laughs she looks like Tony._

"You always had a big heart. Do you remember the baby bird you rescued?" John asked, smiling at the memory. "You were about four, out in the yard digging around, making your mother crazy… when you came rushing in and said a baby bird fell from the tree. I told you its mother would come back. You camped out on the back steps watching and waiting—noticing that the mother bird was ignoring that baby. So, you got a little shoe box, some bird seed, and _you_ took care of that little baby bird."

Leah recalled that little cardinal baby, crying out for its mother in the back yard all afternoon. "He needed someone to care for him. I wasn't going to leave him in the yard for the cat to eat."

John leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Tali was just your new baby bird—you couldn't leave her in the world to fend for herself, so like that little baby cardinal, you took her in and are nurturing her."

She looked down at the sleeping baby boy in her arms. Leah pushed Jack's hair back and could clearly see Tony in her son's features. The suicide note she had found suddenly jumped to the forefront of her brain, reminding her that it was burning a hole in her purse…

As the small family got back into the SUV, and John directed it back onto the highway, Leah felt her cellphone vibrating. She reached down and pulled it out. "Hi, we're in New Jersey, sorry I should have called," she said when she noticed it was Tony.

Tony sounded a bit shaky on the other end. " _That's okay… I just…. I needed to hear your voice, Leah."_

"What's wrong?" she asked, gently. _Talk to me, please!_

" _Nothing… in the middle of painting the boss' living room and it's just… too quiet."_

"Put me on speaker phone. We can talk while you paint."

He took a deep breath while he did so, and then asked, " _You're not driving are you? I don't want to distract you."_

She shook her head, even though he couldn't see her. "No. My dad is. We just stopped to eat and use the bathroom. Tali had her chicken nuggets and is napping in the back seat; Jack's been out for almost an hour."

Tony laughed, a bit unsteady, but it was a laugh non-the-less. " _She loves those chicken nuggets. Addicted to unhealthy fast food like her mom; good thing she's just as active as her mother."_

Leah glanced in the back seat at the sleeping children. "I think now that Jack is walking helps. It will be nice to let them run around in the backyard when we get home. Speaking of that—can you make sure the gate is secure by the pool?"

" _Already done and I made sure that the cabinets in the kitchen and bathrooms were secure as well,"_ Tony assured her.

"You've been quite the handyman today," Leah said with a fond smile.

" _Gibbs let me take the day off, figured I'd get stuff done."_

Jack began to fuss in the back, letting her know that he was waking up and he was going to want a bottle. Leah hated to end their conversation—it was the most normal one they'd had in months—but the baby was not going to take _no_ for an answer.

Tony heard his son's cries on the other end and chuckled. " _I'll let you go, sounds like someone is up and hungry. I know not to mess around with the little guy when he's hungry. Leah… I love you, give them kisses for me."_

Leah swallowed her tears as she unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed into the back with the kids. She firmly planted kisses on their foreheads like Tony would have and sighed, softly. "We love you too," she told him.

" _Thank you… for filling the blank space for a while. Call me when you get home, okay?"_

"Okay, I will. Should be home tonight."

Jack screamed demanding her attention and woke up Tali. Now, both kids were crying. She told her husband she loved him one more time before hanging up and glancing at the crying children. In a flash she had Jack's bottle in his mouth and was rubbing Tali's tummy, all while bumping along on the floor of the backseat. _The joys of being a parent._

* * *

"Boss," McGee gasped, intercepting the team leader as he stepped off the elevator. "We got a call out."

"Related to this case with Merchant?" Gibbs asked, noticing the anxious look in Ellie's eyes.

"Yes," the interim senior field agent stuttered. "A young mother and her daughter discovered the body this morning. It's their neighbor. Elise Reyes."

Gibbs shook his head. "I don't recognize that name on the original case file. Are you sure the police suspect that Merchant killed her?"

Ellie glanced at McGee and then back at Gibbs. "She's not involved in the original case. I double checked when the police called us. She was killed just like all the other victims. Tortured, raped, paralyzed before he finally broke her neck."

"So, he's gone back to killing women," Gibbs said, "Not surprising. He's a sociopath, Bishop."

"Gibbs, she was the judge's daughter," Ellie sighed, sadly. "Merchant isn't just going after those involved in the case, he's going after their families."


	7. When Will It Stop?

**Warnings:** Spoilers for S13, my story "Slowly Fading Away"

 **A/N:** Still along for the ride? If you're a fan of BAMF Tony I think you're going to like how the rest of the story goes...

* * *

Rachel had just finished her conference for the day and was heading towards her hotel room when she was surprised to find Tony in the lobby. His jeans and tee shirt were stained with a light shade of gray paint, it was obvious that he had not gone into work that day.

Tony's eyes brightened a little bit when he saw her. "Gibbs wanted me to pain the living room," he told her when she approached him. "I'm waiting for the paint to dry now. Fixed some things over at my house too, made sure the gate leading to the pool was locked, you know… so the kids can't get into it by accident."

She nodded in understanding. "So, you're bored now?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I guess. Turns out I didn't like the silence. Called Leah for a bit but the kids needed her."

"Why did you come here? You could have gone to NCIS," Rachel said.

"Gibbs told me to take the day," Tony said with another shrug. "To be honest, I'm not sure work is what I need."

"What do you need then?"

"To talk… to you…"

Rachel smiled at him, softly. "Alright, let's go find a place to talk."

Tony let her lead him to a small coffee shop in the hotel lobby. She ordered them some drinks and then they headed outside to a quiet area by the pool. _Again with the quiet… I don't like the quiet, I'm thinking too much when it's quiet._

She was smiling at him warmly. "What do you want to talk about?"

He winced and looked away, the smell of the coffee filling his nostrils. "The insane voices in my head."

"Insane? What makes them so insane?"

"Because… a sane person does not hear voices."

Rachel drank her coffee, quietly. She knew that it was a huge step for Tony to take, seeking her out like this. "You're worried that because there are these voices in your head that you've gone crazy."

Tony laughed, nervously. "Well, yeah, that's the jist of it. Being alone with my thoughts was just slightly better than being consumed by a case at NCIS. The painting helped, a little, until the voices got a little too loud and I called Leah… to fill that blank space, maybe convince me that I'm _not_ going crazy."

She was intrigued by what he was saying. "What did the voices tell you, Tony?"

He laughed again. "Gibbs sofa didn't match the paint; my house wasn't safe for two little toddlers…"

"None of that sounds like crazy talk. Just… normal, everyday things an adult will think about," Rachel told him.

"So… I'm not going crazy?" Tony asked, looking at her hopefully.

"You are not going crazy," she assured him.

Tony took a big sip of his coffee before he sighed in relief. It was nice to have a professional's opinion on the level of his sanity. Gibbs or Leah could tell him that he wasn't insane until the cows came home… he still wasn't going to believe them.

Rachel wasn't sure what prompted this swing in Tony's mood. Perhaps it was staying out of the office, or being back in a familiar surroundings to him that had proven to be a safe place… either way, she welcomed this change in mood. There was no telling when his mood could shift back in the other direction…

"Do you think Gibbs will mind if I go buy him some new furniture?"

"Gibbs is stuck in his ways."

"Have you seen how dapper he dresses lately? _Some_ things do change. His house needs to match the new appearance."

"Change can be a good thing."

He winced, thinking about all the change he had gone through that summer. Tony concluded that _some_ change was not good, that sometimes, the change ended up hurting you rather than helping you. "Change can also be destructive," he said, quietly.

She could see the emotions playing out behind his green eyes. He was starting to see that the changes in his life had a very negative impact on him. "And sometimes, change is necessary. Do you think in this case, Gibbs needed the change?"

Tony shrugged and then laughed, anxiously. "The man has been mourning his dead wife for decades. You're the doctor, you tell me? But yeah, I think Gibbs needs the change. He clings so tightly to the past. You know, after he was shot, there were days that I didn't even recognize the man anymore. It was like… he was some kind of robot. I couldn't understand it; I thought he should be happy to be alive."

Rachel put her coffee cup down, folded her hands, and leaned against the table. She knew a little about what Gibbs had gone through last year, being shot by a teenage boy, but other than she was in the dark about Gibbs' psychological problems. "You've grown to understand it."

"Yeah. After I got shot I was angry. There was no outlet for my anger because I couldn't even move my knee," he said.

"So, instead, you bottled it up. It was easier to become the robot," Rachel surmised.

"Hell of a lot easier to become the robot… until the spring, when Kort ignited my anger," Tony stated.

"Did you leave NCIS because you thought it was best for your family or because you were afraid of what you'd do?"

"Both. I thought Leah and I needed time, but I was scared that I was going to hurt someone."

She had once warned Leon Vance that the pressures of the job could have dire consequences. Rachel could tell that Tony was very much aware of this.

He had known that he could get violent with the suspects he encountered on a daily basis. With that amount of anger inside of him, Tony could have killed someone with his bare hands if given the opportunity.

Before she could respond, they were interrupted by Tony's cell phone ringing. Rachel closed her eyes, knowing that this was going to be the end of their chat today. _At least it was a start._

* * *

Tony changed before going into NCIS. Nothing fancy, just a fresh pair of jeans and a polo shirt, but all signs that he had been painting were gone. "What's the emergency?" he asked, anxiously upon arriving.

Tim glanced up from the plasma screen to see his partner enter the bullpen. In the last hour they had complied a horrific amount of evidence to suggested that Merchant had not been working alone the last few months before he was released from prison. Series of unfortunate "accidents" had occurred to many people _not_ directly connected to the case. "We have a serious issue," he said.

"How serious?" Tony inquired, as a sickening feeling crept into his stomach.

"Merchant's not just targeting the people involved in this case; he's targeting their families," Ellie answered.

"In the last month alone, four separate people have died from suspicious causes but police never found any evidence," Tim said, stepping aside to let Tony look at the plasma screen.

Tony could feel his throat tightening. This new piece of information clearly put Leah and the kids in harm's way. _And they're heading home to D.C as we speak._ "Are we sure? They only connection these people have is that they were close family and friends of those involved in the case."

Ellie glanced at Tim. "Well… the more information we dug up, the more we found out _who_ Merchant was sharing rehabilitation time with—these deaths match the M.O's for four different murderers in the same program as him."

"Great. He's supplying these guys with new victims," Tony hissed.

"Looks that way," Ellie said.

"Any idea where Merchant is. I'd like to take him out myself."

"Gibbs headed over to the rehab facility with Monroe. They had fresh new arrest warrants for those four."

"He's hoping one of them flips on Merchant."

Tony felt like breaking something. That anger, the one that he had just talked about with Rachel, began to bubble up inside of him. If he wasn't careful, he was going to blow up. "Maybe I should find the idiot judge who thought it would be a good idea to put Merchant into a minimum security facility."

Tim tossed the clicker onto his desk and was going to sit down as he murmured, "He had an ankle monitor. Metro was supposed to keep an eye on him…"

Before he knew what was happening Tony was in his face, inches away from him. "An ankle monitor? For a serial killer? Do you think that's a good solution, Agent McGee!"

Never in his time on the team had Tim seen Tony this enraged. It was like something inside the other agent had finally snapped, unleashing a firestorm. "What? No! Come on, Tony… you know me better than that! Listen… we can't change the judge's decision… all we can do is find Merchant and arrest him and make sure he doesn't get out of jail the next time."

"Simple as that, huh?" Tony asked, snapping his fingers for emphasis. "Guess you would think so since Delilah is safe."

"Tony," Gibbs voice was barely audible, or that could have been because Tony had just been shouting. "My office, now."

Glaring heavily at Tim, Tony spun on his heel and stormed off towards the elevator. Tim stood there at his desk, mouth hanging open slightly, blinking rapidly. "Boss, I…"

Gibbs waved him off. "Not your fault, McGee. Keep working. I'll cool him down," he said, before following Tony into the elevator.

Tony was standing in the corner with his back to Gibbs, appearing to do some breathing exercises. The team leader closed the elevator door and flipped the emergency switch. He stood there, patiently waiting for Tony to speak. "I'll break his neck," the senior field agent finally said.

"Whose? Merchant's or Tim's?" Gibbs asked, attempting some humor to lightening the mood.

"Merchant's," Tony snapped, turning about to face Gibbs', "If he comes near Leah or my kids…"

"Monroe and I have discussed putting them in a safe house," the former marine replied, calmly.

"Not your house I hope. No offense, but Kort almost killed Fornell at your house. I want my family safe."

"Already sent a team to clean the cabin."

"Really?" Tony scoffed. "Your cabin? What am I supposed to do with two kids in a one room cabin?"

"DiNozzo," Gibbs sighed, resisting the urge to head slap him, "not _my_ cabin."

He was breathing heavily. Tony felt helpless. His family was in danger and he wasn't with them to protect them. He couldn't lose them now, he was fighting so hard for them. "I'm going with them," he stated. "Put me on their protection detail or I walk, Gibbs."

It had never even crossed his mind to not put Tony on the protection detail of Leah and the kids. Monroe had argued with Gibbs about it, but the former marine knew his senior agent; he knew that Tony was the best man for the job. "I know."

Tony set his jaw. _That was too easy,_ he thought. "You know something," he said, reading Gibbs silent gestures. "You found out something when you went to that rehab."

Gibbs didn't reveal much in his expressions or body language. He didn't have too, Tony had already figured things out, put the pieces together that he knew more than he was letting on. "Merchant was tipping these guys off to fresh victims. Those four other killers have been taken back to maximum security but we can't be certain where Merchant is heading next; they haven't seen him at the rehab center for days. For all we know, Leah is his next target."

"Over my dead body," Tony snarled.

"Not going to come to that," Gibbs said. _At least it better not._

"This is my wife and kids; NCIS cannot botch this, Gibbs!"

"We're doing our best to stay a step ahead of Merchant, Tony."

Tony threw him a glare, green eyes smoldering with fury. "Do you even understand what's at stake!" he shouted, his voice deep and gruff. "Do you get what's happening to me!"

Gibbs thought back to Shannon, telling him that everything was going to be fine, that NIS was keeping them safe from the drug cartel… "I lost my family while they were in protective custody, Tony. I absolutely know what's at stake… what's happening to you right now."

He reeled back, rocking on the balls of his feet. Tony suddenly felt like a dumb ass. Of course Gibbs knew. If anyone on his team knew how he was feeling at the moment it was Gibbs. "Boss… I'm sorry… I forgot… I didn't mean to imply that you don't get this."

"It's fine, DiNozzo."

"No! It's not! Shannon and Kelly… they were your girls… Shannon was your soulmate."

"And I've… come to grips with it. Tony, I can't change what happened to Shannon and Kelly," Gibbs said. "But I can make sure that Leah, Tali, and Jack do not meet the same fate. Ok? Let's focus on our job, not the past."

"Focusing, boss, promise," Tony whispered. _If only I could get a hold of my damn emotions!_ "It's… hard, boss. They're my family… I don't know what I would do if I lost them."

Gibbs took a deep breath, vowing that it was going to do whatever it took to make sure that nothing happened to Leah and the kids—that nothing happened to Tony.

* * *

Early the next morning NCIS transported Leah, Tali and Jack to the safe house they referred to as _the cabin._

It was an old house, hidden by trees and hedges that had not been trimmed for years. At one point the Victorian home had probably been a bright shade of yellow, but now it was diluted thanks to elements, peeling away in some places. Leah wasn't sure why the agents referred to this house as _the cabin_ until she got inside and saw that there was no paint on the walls, just exposed wood planks and beams. It felt like a cabin…

Leah set their bags down and held tightly to Jack. This house was not childproof. She was nervous about putting her baby boy down and letting him take off and explore. He was just like his father, he would find some kind of trouble to get into.

The heavy front door shut them inside. Leah heard the locks as they slid into place. She glanced at Tony going from window to window to draw the sheer curtains closed; Tali clutching his hand.

"Agents are posted outside. Don't be alarmed if you see someone walk by the window," he informed her. "They're just there to make sure you're safe."

"How long do you think we're going to be here?" Leah asked, her voice wavering slightly. "It's just that this house… I'm not sure how safe it is for the kids…"

Tony stepped towards her, Tali still clinging to him, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I went through the house myself last night and made sure all the outlets were plugged and cleaning materials were out of the reach of little hands."

Leah looked down at Tali, who smiled sweetly at her. Maybe it wasn't exposed outlets or chemicals in the reach of her children that was causing the root of her fear… _perhaps the serial killer targeting them, the idea that this case could severely hurt Tony's road to recovery…_ "I just wish we could go home…"

He reached out with his free arm and pulled her close to him, pressing her tightly into the nook between his arm and shoulder. "You're safer here."

She turned her face towards him and buried it against his shirt. "I know," she whispered. "It feels like it's never ending, we move from one crisis to the next. When is it going to stop?"

Truth was, Tony didn't know. He had no answer to give her. They were in desperate need of turning a new leaf, he just wasn't sure how they were going to accomplish that at this point. Right now, if felt like the world was firing everything it had in its arsenal at them and they would be lucky to make it out alive.


	8. Failure Is Not An Option

**Warnings** : None for this chapter.

 **A/N:** Happy Saturday and Happy Fourth of July weekend to my American friends :)

* * *

 _You promised me, Gibbs,_ Tony's voice said somewhere in the dark recess of his mind, _you promised me they would be okay, and now they're gone. My family's dead! I have nothing!_

Gibbs sat up on the autopsy table, gasping for breath and somewhat startling Ducky and Jimmy who were getting ready to start their day nearby. Clutching at his chest, Gibbs took deep breaths like his therapist had taught him when he suffered a panic attack and he felt his heart rate returning to normal.

Ducky cleared his throat, "Good morning, Jethro. Are you… alright?"

"Fine," Gibbs said, shaking his head to clear it of the image of Tony covered in blood, grieving over the death of his family.

"You look like you could use some water, Agent Gibbs," Jimmy said.

"What I need is coffee," Gibbs snapped. _And to find Tommy Merchant before he gets his bloody hands on Leah._

Jimmy smiled eagerly and said he could do that. Before Gibbs could protest the young man was off and running and there was really no stopping him.

Gibbs smiled, slightly, and then it faded as he became aware of all the aches and pains in his body. He groaned and massaged his neck.

Ducky clicked his tongue. "You really are getting too old to be sleeping on one of my tables, Jethro."

"Yeah," Gibbs agreed. "But it was a late night making sure the safe house and protection details were in place."

"Are Leah and the children safe?" Ducky questioned, softly.

"Tony took them to the safe house this morning," the team leader confirmed. "Agents are posted outside around the clock."

The M.E could tell that the former marine was not comfortable; something was bothering him. His voice was strained and the fine lines on his face very defined with worry. "Do you fear this isn't enough, Jethro?" Ducky asked, softly.

Gibbs took a shuddering breath. "There's always the chance, Duck. This is putting a lot of unnecessary stress on Tony and Leah; he was actually getting somewhere, Ducky. He could see that he needed some help and was willing to seek it out."

Ducky nodded. "Certainly this case does not help Anthony on his road to recovery. If something were to happen to Leah or to the children it could set him back." _And that setback could come with deadly consequences._

* * *

Leah had fallen asleep with the kids after lunch.

Tony wasn't thrilled with the silence in the house once his family went to take a nap, those silly voices came back, this time however, they were not talking about baby-proofing and paint colors…

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts—and the voices—Tony went into the kitchen and used the ancient Mr. Coffee to make a pot of his favorite brew. While he waited for the coffee pot to even begin to percolate—it was slower than a snail—he sat at the counter, tapping his fingers on it.

Outside he could see the outline of the agent posted in the backyard. Tony didn't feel safe. He felt out of control.

"Damn it!" Tony yelped when, suddenly, Leah's cell phone started ringing, cutting through the intense silence.

He jumped from his seat and found her purse, rummaging around in it for the phone. Tony didn't want it to wake the kids up from their nap—it taken Leah nearly an hour to get them to sleep. Receipts, lip gloss—other things he considered unnecessary went flying all over the counter, until he found the phone and hit _decline._

Tony sighed in relief when the house went silent again and he didn't hear little voices coming from the bedroom. He looked down at the mess he had made on the counter as the coffee pot _finally_ started percolating.

Leah was normally so neat and tidy, but her purse… that was an entirely different story.

Gathering up the various papers, her wallet and checkbook, he started to put things away, until a folded up piece of paper caught his eye. It was notebook paper, so it wasn't a receipt, and he knew for a fact any lists that she made she kept on her phone or her iPad….

Curious he opened it up and felt his heart leap into his throat…

"Is that coffee I smell?" Leah asked, sleepily as she entered the kitchen. She opened a cabinet and found two mugs. "The beds aren't very comfortable, but at least there's coffee." When she turned towards the refrigerator to get the milk, she noticed him standing there, eyes filled with horror. "Anthony?"

"You found this? How long… how long have you been carrying this around in your purse?" Tony asked, hoarsely, holding up the suicide note he had written. Her eyes filled with tears and her lower lip quivered, but she didn't answer. "Leah! How long have you have been carrying this around?"

Leah swallowed her tears. "I found it… I found it while we were packing to leave the Cape. It was in… it was in with your clothes."

Tony had never wanted her to find it, once he had made the decision that suicide was not going to solve anything. He crushed the note up in his hand and went to her, gathering his wife into his arms and holding onto her, tightly. "I'm so sorry," he whispered in her ear, "I'm so sorry that you had to find that… that I wasn't strong enough…"

She grabbed a fistful of his shirt and buried her nose in the fabric. Why she had kept the note, she really wasn't sure. "Oh, Tony, you are strong enough—you didn't do it."

He let a few tears fall and clung to her as if his very life depended on it. "I'm fighting for you," he whispered, echoing sentiments he'd whispered to Ziva three years ago.

"I know, Anthony," Leah said, kissing his chest. "Let me fight _with_ you."

 _That_ was something Ziva had not said to him three years ago. She had seen before he did that while they loved one another—they were not each others true love. _Tony,_ he heard Ziva saying to him, _she is your soulmate, your love, let her fight with you._

Leah was pulling away from him, she smiled at him through watery eyes and smoothed his hair back. "Are you ever going to let me at least trim your hair?"

Tony smiled at her, lovingly. "When this thing is over and we're back in our house, yes. But you don't think it makes me a little sexy?"

"Well… I do like it a little long… but you're getting close to eighties rock star here," Leah teased.

"Maybe I'm going to leave NCIS and start a cover band," Tony teased back.

She was about to tell him how good it was to hear him joking with her, when the lock on the front door jingled. Immediately the smile faded from his face, he had drawn his weapon and was shoving her behind him…

Gibbs stepped through the front door with a bag of groceries. "Hey. Thought you'd need supplies."

Tony sighed and put his weapon back in the holster. "Thanks, boss."

"Figured I'd come check in. Everything going okay?"

"Fine. We were just going to have some coffee."

"Guess I showed up at the right time."

Leah laughed, softly, and went to find another mug. She retrieved the pot that was finally done and poured Gibbs his signature black cup of coffee. She then went to prepare two more mugs the way she and Tony liked it.

Tony stared at his mug for a long while before he crossed the kitchen, slammed his foot down on the pedal that opened the garbage can, and furiously tore the piece of paper in his hand. He let the small pieces float into the trash and then he closed the lid, looking up at his wife.

Gibbs watched, puzzled, and then saw the tears in Leah's eyes. When Tony moved towards her, pressed his lips to hers in quick, hard kiss—he knew—Tony had destroyed the suicide note. He felt a tremendous sense of relief; Gibbs wasn't sure what had kept the younger man from going through with it… he was glad that _something_ had stopped Tony.

"Mama?" Tali called from the bedroom. Little feet suddenly could be heard in the hallway and Tali appeared. "Mama?"

"Hi, baby," Leah said, smiling at her. "I see you escaped that crib."

Tali rubbed her eyes, and whimpered a little. "Hungry," the little girl said, looking at Leah and then the two men. Her brow furrowed as she tried to retrieve the English words she was obviously hoping to use to request what she wanted to eat. When she couldn't, she pointed towards the bread on the counter.

Leah picked her up and pointed towards the bread, giving her the English word. She then found grape jelly and peanut butter in the cabinets, knowing that one of Tali's favorite lunches was a PB and J.

Tony watched them, smiling, with a bittersweet look in his eyes. Leah and his kids had been why he didn't follow through and kill himself, why he had torn the note up now. It broke his heart to think of what would happen to them if he wasn't around.

Gibbs cell rang. The team leader dug it of his pocket, and flipped it open. "Yeah, Gibbs," he answered. His face went taut as he listened and then with a heavy sigh, he said, "Don't touch anything. I'll be there soon."

* * *

Loud buzzers echoed off the cold, concrete walls and indicated that the guards were bringing their cooperating serial killer to meet with them.

Tim was exhausted. The team had been up most of the night pitching in on a manhunt for Tommy Merchant, but the guy was a former Eagle Scout—he knew how to go off the grid. At least they knew Leah and the kids were safe. At this point, that was all they knew… they were waiting around with baited breath for the next victim to pop up…

"So, you didn't catch him?" Ty Carter said with a sly grin. "Knew it wouldn't be _that_ easy."

"Make it easier than," Tim snapped. "Did Merchant tell you where he was going?"

"Come on, man, I told you yesterday that Tommy only told me he was going after the damn Fed's wife," Carter said.

Ellie clenched her fists underneath the table. "Yes, you told us that already. But that couldn't have been the only thing that he told you, being in rehab together. If you cooperate with us we might be able to help you."

Carter scoffed and then laughed, harshly. "I'm already headed for the needle. Really, you have no carrots to dangle in front of me, lady."

Tim was starting to get angry. _Tony would have snapped his neck by this point._ "A young woman and two children are in danger, the decent thing to do here is to help us catch the guy that wants to hurt them."

"I've been locked up, with no contact with the outside world, since yesterday," Carter snapped at him. "You know what that means right? No emails, no phone calls—no text messages. Now, that doesn't cover ESP…"

"Forget it, Ellie, we're not going to get anything out of this smart ass," Tim snapped, standing up. He signaled for the guard to take Carter back to his cell. "Guess he doesn't want a reduced sentence for life, instead of the death penalty after all."

Carter's dark eyes went wide. "Wait!" he shouted as the guards grabbed him and pulled him to his feet. "Merchant didn't give me an exact location, but he mentioned something about Spencer; said he was heading in that direction..."

Ellie was confused. "Spencer?"

Tim mulled it over and then it hit him. "Spencer Street; it's in Tony and Leah's neighborhood."

"So that confirms it—he's going after Leah."

"Yeah. We made the right move getting her into a safe house."

"How long until Merchant realizes though that Leah isn't at home?" Ellie questioned.

"No idea," Tim said with a shake of his head. His phone rang. Glancing at the screen he saw that it was from Gibbs. He felt his stomach drop, knowing what it meant—they had another body.


	9. Without a Doubt

**Warnings:** None for this chapter. **  
**

 **A/N:** This story is now all written. The other chapters just need to be cleaned up before being posted. Hope you enjoy how it ends :) **  
**

 **Hells Bells-** _Thank you for reading and leaving a review :)_

* * *

"I was hoping we would have caught this monster by now," Ducky mumbled when Gibbs arrived.

"Me too, Duck," Gibbs sighed, looking down at the body of a young woman that had been uncovered in Rock Creek Park.

Ducky looked up at the team leader, the troubled lines were not gone. He had hoped that going over to the safe house to see Tony and Leah would help Gibbs—it apparently had the opposite effect. "Our poor victim was killed in much the same manner as all our other victims, Jethro. Timothy was working on her background and identity. There was no identification on her but a girl this pretty, someone must have been missing her."

Gibbs felt the muscles in his stomach tightening, looking down at the ashen face of the victim, her eyes open and lifeless, but frozen in horror. She looked just like Leah, same build and hair color—same type of clothing that Tony's wife would have worn if she had gone out for a run. "Time of death, Duck?"

"Yesterday between nine and ten in the evening," Ducky replied.

"He's moving quicker than usual," Gibbs surmised. "He usually keeps them captive for a day before snapping their neck."

"Perhaps he realized his mistake… he did not have Leah," Ducky supplied. He saw Gibbs' eyes widen for a moment. "You were not the only one that saw the resemblance. If this young woman was jogging near Anthony and Leah's neighborhood it is entirely possible that he grabbed her thinking she was Leah."

He winced. Gibbs hated that idea because it meant this young woman had died needlessly. _Well, if it had been Leah, it still would have been needless._ "Now he's going to realize we're onto him. His buddies are back in jail; Leah is in a safe house…"

Sucking in a sharp breath, Ducky nodded. "This mistake will make him even more furious, Jethro. There's no telling what he is going to do now. You have denied him access to his revenge."

Gibbs rocked back on the balls of his feet. Tony would put a bullet between Merchant's eyes if he showed up at the safe house… _Tony would take a bullet to save Leah…_ "Which is why we need to close this one fast. Otherwise, the body count is only going to get higher… and the next time it might be someone we know."

* * *

Tim needed more than coffee; he needed a good stiff drink. Coffee, however, was going to have to do since he was still on the job.

He wasn't sure when he slept more than a couple of hours at time last. Much like Gibbs, Tim was running on coffee and that was it. Except, unlike Gibbs, Tim struggled to keep going. They needed a break in this case and with no new evidence, it appeared that they were not going to get one.

Caf-Pow in hand, Tim ventured down to the lab, hoping Abby had found something. "Hey," he said, plopping the cup onto her table. "Anything?"

Abby glanced over her shoulder and frowned. "Nothing new. Same neurotoxin used to paralyze her—she wasn't tortured as long as the other victims… which I guess is some kind of blessing in disguise."

"Ducky thinks Merchant realized his mistake and killed her," Tim said, rubbing his temples.

"Guess it confirms he's going after Leah," Abby said.

"Witnesses place our victim on Leah's favorite jogging path near their house," Tim replied.

She shivered and grabbed her Caf-Pow. "Merchant was stalking their neighborhood. Did any of the witnesses know who this woman was? AFIS didn't have her prints on file. I'm still running a missing person search."

He shook his head. "No. I questioned their neighbors as well—they all said they had never seen her before _but_ commented on how much she resembled Leah."

Abby sucked a few large sips of her Caf-Pow. "Bad day to pick a new running route," she mumbled.

Tim sighed and looked at their Jane Doe on the computer screen, her face running through a missing persons database. "We have bigger problems than identifying a Jane Doe," he said. "Merchant knows now that we're aware he's targeting Leah. He's going to know that we have her under wraps, and if he's stalking their house, he knows that they're not residing there at the moment."

"How's Tony?"

"Honestly? Tony's a mess."

"But he's going to be okay, right, McGee?"

 _I'm not sure,_ Tim wanted to say, but he didn't want to upset Abby any more than she already was. It had been hard on her over the summer with little contact from Tony. "It's Tony! Of course he's going to be okay," he said instead. "He beat the Plague, didn't he?"

Abby sighed and nodded. "Yeah," she said, quietly. "You're right. Tony will be fine. I just… I want to catch Merchant before he hurts Leah or worse yet—Tali and Jack."

Tim agreed. He wanted to catch Merchant before Tony's family was hurt. Since May, hell since February, Tony and Leah had been put through the ringer. Thank goodness for the kids because otherwise there would be nothing bright in their world right now. "Won't happen. Not with Gibbs in charge and not with Tony staying with Leah and the kids at the safe house."

She turned her pale green eyes on him and frowned. "Both Gibbs and Tony would die for Leah and those kids."

He reached out and pulled Abby into a hug. "It is not going to come to that, okay? Positive thinking!"

"You know I'm the cheerleader for positive thinking, Timmy, but I'm not feeling it right now."

"Yeah, I know, Abs. We'll all feel better once this over."

Abby grunted as Tim's phone rang. She held her breath and crossed her fingers that it was not another body…

Tim talked quietly for a few seconds, then hung up. "Tony. He says that he sent Brown over to his house to pick up Tali's puppy. Brown hasn't returned yet…"

"Do you have Brown's cell number? I can trace it," Abby said.

"Maybe he got lost," Tim said with a shrug. "I told Tony I'd go over to the house and get the toy."

"Be careful, Timmy," Abby ordered.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine," he said, before disappearing from the lab and heading towards his car. He wasn't doing anything to help solve the case so he might as well make himself useful and help Tony out.

* * *

Leon Vance was packing up for the evening when his office door opened. Not surprisingly Gibbs strode into the room. The former marine was the only of his agents that refused to knock. "Rather late Gibbs."

Gibbs glanced at the clock and shrugged. "There's a serial killer gunning for a lot of people still loose on the streets right now. And I also have a protection detail to oversee."

"Any identification on that young woman that was found this afternoon?" Leon questioned.

"Nothing yet," Gibbs said with a shake of his head. "Abby is running her face through the missing person database."

"Everything been quiet at the safe house?"

"DiNozzo reported there hasn't been so much as a peep."

Leon pursed his lips. He knew that this had Gibbs' gut churning; he could see it on the older man's face. "This is bothering you, isn't it, that it's been so quiet over at the safe house."

Gibbs sat down in front of Leon's desk. "Merchant is incredibly smart. He had to have known we'd go question his buddies in the rehab, and he had to have known that one of them would squeal to get out of the death penalty. So what's he really playing at? Is he going after Leah? Or is he using her as bait?"

"Bait? To catch who? You or DiNozzo?"

"Maybe both. Last he knew, Tony and I were the only members on the team."

"Keeping Leah hidden from him might make him angry."

"He's already pretty angry, Leon."

The Director nodded in agreement. "Maybe we should move the family again—further up North?"

Gibbs shook his head. "No, I don't want to displace Leah and the kids more than they've already been displaced. There hasn't been any sign of trouble near the safe house," he said as his cell rang. He reached into his pocket for it and saw that it was from McGee. Flipping it open, he answered, "Go ahead, McGee."

McGee sounded slightly panicked on the other end. " _Boss, Tony asked me to stop by the house to get Tali's stuffed puppy… apparently she couldn't fall asleep without it…"_

"Not uncommon for a child to have a favorite toy," Gibbs said, confused as to why McGee was calling.

" _I know, but Tony sent Agent Brown before me… I found the front door open, the alarm disabled, and his ID on the front steps,"_ McGee answered. " _He's gone, Gibbs. If it's Merchant… he might know where Leah and the kids are now."_

Gibbs jumped up from the chair, dashing for the door. "Call DiNozzo—get them on the move _now!"_ They had a small window to move Lean and the kids before Merchant caught up to them—that is, if he hadn't already.

* * *

Leah had fallen asleep in the easy chair with Tali in her lap.

Tony got off the phone with McGee and went to shake her awake. "We need to go," he said before disappearing down the hall to retrieve Jack. When he got back, Leah was still sitting there, blinking the sleep out of her eyes. "Leah! We need to go, quickly!"

She could hear the sense of urgency in his voice and it propelled her to move. Leah stood up, grasping Tali tightly in her arms and without a thought, followed Tony out to their car. "What's going on?" she asked, noticing the agents posted outside had the car ready to go for them.

"Our location might have been compromised," Tony said, buckling Jack into his seat. "We need to move to a new one."

"Compromised? How?" Leah asked as he took Tali from her and put her in the car. "No one knew we were here."

"Less talking!" Tony snapped at her. "And get in the car!"

Leah didn't argue with him. She climbed into the passenger seat, shuddering when Tony slammed the back door and her door shut. She wasn't sure what was going on but her heart was in her throat.

Tony jumped into the driver's seat, slammed his own door, and threw the car into drive. The small Victorian home disappeared from sight quickly as he drove off, speeding through the relatively abandoned streets of a Washington suburb.

She glanced at him, anxiously. "Where are we going?"

His jaw clenched, eyes staying focused on the road. "Another safe house."

"Was the other one really compromised?"

"Agent Brown is missing. Tim found his ID at our house with the front door wide open."

Leah grabbed onto the handle of the door and clutched it. She blinked her tears back. If Merchant could find where they lived, figure out a way to find where they had gone… there was no way to know if they were going to be safe at this new safe house. She wasn't sure she felt safe _anywhere_ at this point.

Tony must have sensed how she was feeling because he reached over with one hand and sought out hers. He grasped her fingers between his and gave her hand a squeeze. "We're going to be okay, Leah. Trust me."

She nodded and clutched his hand. Leah trusted him with her whole life. She was not afraid to put her life into his hands, she was not afraid to put the lives of their children into his hands, because she knew, without a doubt, that Tony was going to protect them.


	10. Bait

**Warnings** : None for this chapter.

 **A/N:** There is one more chapter and an epilogue after this :) I will do my best to edit them and get them up quickly! **  
**

* * *

Ellie was surprised when Tony stepped off the elevator around three in the morning. After Gibbs had ordered Tony to move out of the safe house no one had heard or seen either the team leader or Tony; except for one phone call from Tony asking that Ellie monitor the burglar alarm at his house. They had both disappeared. "Where are Leah and the kids?"

Tony threw his back pack near his desk and ran his hands over the stubble that was covering his face. "Somewhere safe. What do we know so far, Bishop?"

"Agent Brown still hasn't turned up. Police were canvasing the area for him and Merchant," Ellie replied. She watched the tightness in his jaw for a second before continuing, "Still working on identifying the Jane Doe we discovered this morning. Should you… should you be here?"

"Merchant's targeting Leah to draw me out," Tony said between clenched teeth. "I'm not going to hide anymore, Ellie. If he wants me—let him come and get me."

Ellie wanted to ask how Leah felt about that, but held back. There was a silent rage still present in Tony's eyes, it wasn't that much different than before, but now… he seemed more focused. "We still have no idea where Merchant is."

Tony frowned and looked at the map of D.C on the plasma screen before him. "He's close, trust me. The key now is staying one step ahead of him, maybe even several. We've moved Leah and the kids; he doesn't know that yet. For all he knows they're still at the safe house."

"Do you really think Brown would have given up their location?"

"No, but we still need to play it safe—play it like he could have compromised us."

"Okay, well, if he's that close, we're going to get him, Tony," Ellie assured him.

"I know," Tony affirmed. He didn't need her rosy outlook, but he sure as hell appreciated it.

McGee came flying into the bullpen then, looking exhausted, frazzled. "Abby tried tracing Brown's phone; the battery has been removed. It's a waiting game now…"

Tony felt the same helplessness that he'd felt back in May, the ideology that he had absolutely no control—and that people were dying because of it—those emotions started to creep back in, but this time, Tony slammed the door shut, because this time he did have control. He was not about to let that dark side present in him win out. Not this time; not with the lives of those that he loved on the line. "We're gonna get him, Tim. Just like we got Ari, or Harper Dearing… Daniel Budd—all those men hurt our family, and you know what happens when someone hurts our family…"

He sighed and nodded. McGee blinked some sleepiness from his eyes. "Sorry, I've just been thinking… I've been thinking about what if… what if you didn't call me to go to the house to get Tali's puppy? Merchant might have shown up at the safe house and we could have arrested him."

Of course that thought had crossed the senior field agent's mind too, but Tony shook his head. "We don't know what Merchant is really planning, Tim. Listen, I did call you and you discovered Brown was missing. It gave us the chance to move Leah and the kids before Merchant could get to them."

"Every law enforcement officer in the city is on the lookout," Ellie reminded him. "If we stay focused… fueled with the right snack food and coffee, we're going to bring him in."

"It's three in the morning," McGee said, as if they needed a reminder, "Candy and coffee isn't the only thing we need. We need a bit of luck."

Something on Ellie's computer dinged. Her eyebrows shot up and she went to check it out. A thin smile spread across her face as she reported, "We might have just gotten it."

Tony and McGee exchanged glances as Gibbs charged into the squad room, tossing vests at his agents.

"Your alarm was tripped, DiNozzo," the team leader informed them. "You were right."

"Merchant went for the bait," the SFA said, shoulders stiffening. "I knew he would."

"Bait? What bait?" McGee stammered, looking at Tony. "You didn't leave Leah at home did you?"

"No, McPanic," Tony said, calmly. "But I did park the SUV outside of the house."

"We made it look like Leah was home," Gibbs affirmed, watching his agents put on their vests. "LEO's are on their way."

McGee was still having a hard time putting the pieces together. "But we thought Merchant knew where the safe house was… why would he fall for something like this?"

Tony ran his tongue over his lips. His green eyes glanced up at Gibbs. The team leader nodded his head, slightly. "Brown showed up at a local ER. Battered, bruised, but alive. He called me right away. Merchant assaulted him at the house, dumped him on the side of the road when he realized it wasn't me. We think he only has a little bit more of his neurotoxin left and since everyone is on the lookout for him… he will not be able to get more."

Ellie followed his train of thought. "So, he's saving it up for you and Gibbs," she said. "Brown didn't give up the safe house…"

Gibbs shook his head. "He didn't. But it was after midnight and we weren't moving Leah and the kids again. We realized that Merchant had no idea where Leah was."

"I went home. Parked the SUV out front, went inside and enabled the alarm," Tony said. "That's when I called you, Bishop, to track it and alert us if it went off again."

"This whole thing was a trap?" McGee asked, eyes wide for a moment. "What if Merchant didn't take the bait?"

"No time to think about that," Gibbs said, gesturing towards his agents. "He took the bait. Now let's go get him."

"Boss," McGee said as the agents made their way to the elevator, "this has to be one of your craziest ideas yet…"

Gibbs chuckled and stepped into the elevator. "Not mine, McGee. It was Tony's idea."

McGee shot the SFA wide eyed look. This was something that the old Tony would do—was it possible that instead of hindering Tony's healing process this entire case had actually helped? "Your idea?" he repeated.

Tony laughed, silently. "Yeah. We were getting nowhere waiting around for Merchant to show up; it was time we laid a trap to catch him. Brown surviving and informing us that Merchant didn't have a clue where Leah was paved the way."

"I hope you know what you're doing, Tony," McGee muttered as the elevator sprung to life.

"Don't worry, Probie," Tony said, clamping his hand down on McGee's shoulder and squeezing it, "I do."

* * *

The DiNozzos' house smelled like flowers; some tropical, manufactured air freshener that women were so found of, but despite the smell, it was a beautiful home.

Tommy Merchant felt an instant jealous rage boil inside of him. It wasn't fair that Anthony DiNozzo—the wise-cracking, good looking, down right obnoxious at times, federal agent—got all of this. Especially while he, Tommy Merchant, had sat in a jail cell, subjected to nasty prison guards and even nastier inmates.

On a nearby end table in the front entry way there was a baby picture, a boy, with dark brown hair and big blue eyes. He resisted the urge to take his pocket knife out and stab the picture. He was here for one thing—either DiNozzo himself, or DiNozzo's wife. Either way, someone in this house was going to pay for what he'd been through in prison. At this point he would be just as happy to watch DiNozzo grieve and suffer the loss of his wife as he would be if he killed DiNozzo.

Glancing up the ornate stairs, Merchant listened for any signs of movement. It was calm and still. He stepped on the bottom step and it creaked underneath his feet. Damn old house.

It was painstaking, climbing those creaky stairs, but it didn't wake anyone. DiNozzo had apparently lost his edge in his older years…

Upstairs all the bedrooms were empty. He became even more angry. Was DiNozzo toying with him? Playing some kind of game? Because if he was, Merchant didn't want to play. Furious, he darted, full force down the stairs, not caring how loud he was. He turned towards the back of the house and stormed down the hall.

"What's the matter?" a familiar voice said as a light flicked on. "Didn't find what you were looking for?"

Merchant turned in the hall, eyes dark with hatred fixated on DiNozzo.

Tony aimed his weapon at the younger man's chest. "She's not here. You didn't honestly think I'd let you get your hands on her, did you? Drop the weapon, Merchant. It's over."

"I'm not going back to prison," Merchant hissed.

"Okay, then, well six feet under the ground works just as well for me," Tony snapped. "You crossed a line, Merchant, when you set your sights on my wife and kids."

"I never would have hurt those adorable little children," Merchant said with a sick smile. "Your wife was always the target—by the way, you have excellent taste in women. If I had never been caught… oh I would have loved to have her as prey."

Tony felt his skin crawl just picturing Merchant tormenting Leah and eventually killing her, and he felt an even stronger desire to protect her course through his veins. He resisted the urge to pull back on the trigger and put a bullet through the younger man's eyes right then and there. "Good thing I caught you then and sent you to jail."

Merchant continued to smile at him sadistically. "Guess it means I just get to play out my fantasy with you, Agent DiNozzo. I've been waiting a long time for this. And once I'm done with you… Agent Gibbs will be next."

"Don't count on it," Gibbs said from the entryway to the living room; his own weapon carefully aimed at the serial killer.

"Aw, you're together again," Merchant swooned in a mocking way. "How cute."

"I already asked you to drop the weapon," Tony warned.

Merchant's lip curled. "You need to pay for what happened to me in prison!"

Tony stood his ground, his gun still pointed at the intruder. "You killed those girls. Not me. As far as I'm concerned—you got what you deserved."

Despite being off the job for so many months, Tony was prepared for Merchant coming at him. Instinct kicked in and he easily took the other man down, firing a shot into Merchant's left thigh. As Merchant went down, taking a photo frame with him, which smashed on the hardwood floor, the knife flew from his grasp and Tony was quickly there to kick it away.

Gibbs swiftly holstered is weapon and moved in, face planting Merchant in the hallway before he pinned the serial killer's arms behind his back. "Don't move," the team leader snarled, "or it will be your neck that's broken."

Tony shoved his knee in Merchant's back while he produced his cuffs. "I don't suppose I have to tell you that you're under arrest, but you are. For murdering three innocent people, assaulting a federal agent, breaking into my home, and if I could add vandalism for breaking the frame on my wedding photo, I will."

"DiNozzo, tone it down a notch," Gibbs warned him as the cuffs clicked into place.

"Sorry, boss," Tony whispered, yanking Merchant to his feet. "Let's go, Tommy, you have a date with a jail cell."

On the front porch Tim and Ellie appeared, having been behind the house covering the back door. Tony pushed Merchant towards them. "Get him off my property."

Tim grabbed Merchant and headed towards the parked Charger out front, "Gladly," he told Tony as they walked away.

Gibbs joined Tony and Ellie on the front lawn. He studied Tony for a moment in the dim light of predawn, and asked, "You okay, Tony?"

"Fine, boss," Tony answered. "Glad it's over."

"Want to do the honors of booking Merchant?"

"No thanks, Gibbs. Someone else I have to go see."

The team leader smiled, slightly, and nodded. "Okay. Go see her. We'll wrap up here."

The SFA pulled the keys to his SUV out. As he moved towards his car, he heard Gibbs shout out to him, "Welcome back, Anthony!" Climbing into the car, Tony drove off with a big smile on his face.

* * *

Leah heard the gears of the hotel door lock clicking into place. She had barely slept a wink since Tony had placed them here to keep them safe. When he left, his eyes were filled with that same anger that had nearly consumed him over the summer. She was terrified that the man she had known all summer was going to show up, snuff out the Tony that she had grown to love that had been slowly returning to her over the last three days.

Tony stepped into the hotel room, though, without an ounce of anger in his eyes. He glanced at her, not surprised that she was still up, and let go of the door. It swung back on the hinges and clicked shut. "It's over," he sighed. "We got him."

She jumped off the bed and ran to him, collapsing into his arms with a silent sob.

He gently ran his fingers through her hair and whispered, "It's over, Leah. We can go home."


	11. Healing

**Warnings:** Minor spoilers for the series, implied sexual situations, not explicit or graphic

 **A/N:** Happy Friday! Like I said in the previous update, the story is written. This is the last chapter but there is still an epilogue that will be posted soon. It just needs to be edited! **Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to follow or favorite the story, and especially those that take the time to leave reviews. I do write for my enjoyment but it's nice to hear when others are enjoying the story as well :)**

* * *

Tim was surprised that Tony had reached out to him and asked to go to lunch. When the SFA had taken his leave of absence, Tony had barely even emailed his partner and best friend. Tim took this invitation to have lunch as a sign that Tony really was healing.

Tony seemed more relaxed, the fine lines in his face were not as defined as they had been when he came back from the Cape, and Tim noticed that his smile was real, not forced or fake.

"Sorry it took me so long to take you out to lunch," Tony said, sadly. "I promised you back in May I wasn't going to become a stranger and I did just that."

"You were going through a lot, Tony," Tim said, understanding. "You did keep your promise and made it to the wedding; you were the best, Best Man, I could have asked for, Tony. You were going through hell and you still managed to show up on my wedding day with a smile."

"Delilah would have killed me if I didn't," Tony said with a shrug and a smile. His smile faded and his eyes softened a bit. "Tim, thanks… for being there… in May, in all those times that I needed a friend. Did you ever think when we met in Norfolk we'd be sitting here, best friends?"

Tim laughed and shook his head. "No. You scared the hell out of me!"

Tony chuckled, remembering that timid kid in Norfolk. "Well, regardless of how we felt at first, I'm glad you're my friend, Tim."

"Me too, Tony," Tim said with a smile. "Me too."

* * *

Gibbs took a swig from his beer and went back to sanding his boat. Forty-eight hours had gone by since the team had arrested Merchant and sent him back to jail. Vance commended them for a job well done and gave them the rest of the week off. Which, was a good thing, Gibbs decided. It gave the team some time to regroup, and it gave Tony time to process what he wanted to do next.

"Hey," Tony's voice said, cutting through his thoughts. "I knew you'd be down here, drinking beer or bourbon."

"Helps me unwind," Gibbs said, watching as Tony stepped into the basement. "Surprised you're not at home."

"Meet with the therapist that Rachel recommended after lunch," the SFA said, openly. "Figured I'd drop by."

Gibbs took another sip of his beer. He reached behind him and found some sand paper. "if you're going to talk, you're going to work. Here," he said, handing the sand paper to Tony.

Tony smiled and began to sand the boat. "I've been questioning this whole federal agent thing since I shot Budd… you know, was I doing the right thing for me… for my family… it didn't feel right after Budd… until the other night. When I cuffed Merchant and got a dangerous serial killer off the streets. I _am_ doing what's right."

"You're a good agent, Tony," Gibbs affirmed. "You just stumbled and lost your way. It happens to all of us."

"When you walked away all those years ago, I didn't get it," Tony confessed. "I do now."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Take the time off and really work on fixing myself, fixing the hurt in my family. Not wallow this time."

Gibbs looked at Tony, proudly, and nodded. "Already told you that your desk will be there. You need to do what you need to do for your family."

Tony stopped sanding for a second. "Which is what I should have done in May, but I didn't. I keep thinking if Merchant hadn't shown up… I don't think I would have come back to D.C; my marriage would have fallen apart, my family divided… it sounds crazy but having a case like this… put everything into perspective for me."

"You would have come to the same conclusion, Tony, regardless if this case had popped up," Gibbs said.

"Do you think so, boss?" Tony asked, honestly. "You saw me on the Cape. I was messed up."

"Yeah, Tony, I think so," the team leader said, just as honestly. "Because you're stronger than you think."

He put the sandpaper down, moved across the basement and pulled a beer from the six pack resting on the bench. Tony popped the cap and took a sip. "Not so strong that I needed Ducky to reach out to Rachel and you to force me to talk to her."

Gibbs paused what he was working on and looked at Tony for a moment. Their relationship had gone so far off track since the team leader had been shot. If only hadn't been so wrapped up in his own personal hell he would have seen what Tony was going through sooner. "Maybe if I was stronger, didn't push you away because I didn't want you to see how weak I was… maybe you wouldn't have felt so… isolated."

Tony cracked a sad grin. "You know, when Leah and I were fighting over the summer, she compared me to you—and she made sure to tell me she wasn't comparing me to your good qualities. She said I bottled everything up until I let it explode, and just like you, I was letting it ruin a good thing."

"Always said she was smart," Gibbs muttered with a smile. "Perhaps, some days, a little _too_ smart."

"She certainly sees through my masks, boss," Tony confessed. "Which is why she's good for me."

"Do you need to get home to that woman who's good for you? Or do you have some time to work on the boat?"

"Leah's at the University. Kids are at daycare. I have time."

Gibbs gestured towards the sandpaper Tony had discarded earlier. Tony looked at it, picked it up, and began to work on the boat. They still had a ways to go to fix their relationship, but drinking beer and working on the boat that afternoon was definitely a good start.

* * *

Tony locked the front door and set the alarm behind him when he returned home that evening. He glanced in the direction of where he had taken Merchant down and into custody, and then with no more thought, climbed the stairs.

Leah was in their bedroom, putting away laundry. She looked more relaxed now that they were home and finally safe, finally getting their lives back to something resembling normal.

"Hey, kids in bed?" he asked, coming to stand behind her.

"Yeah, they were exhausted after school today," she whispered.

"Can we talk?"

"Sure. Is everything okay? Are _you_ okay?"

"I am," Tony supplied, honestly. "Listen, I spoke to Vance, and my therapist… we've set a return date for me, in November, of course Vance said if I was ready to come back before then, he'd welcome me."

"If you feel you're ready, then you're ready," Leah said, fussing with the sheets. "I don't want to push you into something you don't want to do. We've been doing fine; we still have money in our emergency funds… we can save more if you're home and we're not paying for daycare or the nanny…"

Gently he took her hands and turned her to face him. Without a word, he lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her. She easily melted into him, deepening their embrace. It was the first time they had kissed like this since the spring. Tony released her, turned on his heel and went to close the bedroom door.

Leah stood by the bed, her heart beating rapidly as he turned around and discarded his tee shirt. Quickly they went back to touching and kissing and exploring the others body, as if they had never been together before. He deftly removed her camisole and sweatpants, before he picked her up into his arms and laid her on the bed.

Tony kicked his shoes off and then climbed onto the bed with her, straddling her. He pressed soft kisses across her collarbone, all over her neck and chest, making his way to her stomach. She sighed and tugged at his jeans. He obliged her wish and slipped out of them, taking his boxers with them as he went.

She removed her underwear and with her arms open, beckoned him to lay with her.

He was suddenly reminded why he had been so attracted to her. He joined her, pulse racing, skin on fire as he used his hands and mouth to worship her stunning body. When the heat became too much, he rolled her underneath him, and made love to her.

It wasn't long before they reached ultimate satisfaction. Breathing, heavily, Tony pulled Leah into his arms and spooned her, kissing her shoulder blades and sighing terms of endearment to her in Italian—like he always did to her after they had been intimate.

Leah startled him when she let out a soft sob. Rolling her onto her side so she was facing him, Tony kissed the tears away, fearful that he had been too rough with her…

"Oh bella, did I hurt you?" Tony asked. It had not been his intention, but it had been so long since they had been intimate.

"No. I've been… waiting so long for you Tony," Leah cried, "for you to come back."

"I'm here now, sweetheart, I promise," he said, kissing her cheeks tenderly. "I promise I'm not leaving."

"Tell me, tell me what I can do so you don't go," she cried, clinging to him, desperately.

Tony wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her against him, kissing her forehead. "Just this, Leah… just continue to be there for me, continue to love me. That's all I need you to do."

Leah wanted to stop sobbing but she couldn't. Burying face against his bare chest, deeply breathing in his musky scent mixed with the smell of her perfume, she continued to cry. It dawned on her while he was holding her, stroking her hair and whispering in her ear his love for her, that _this_ was her emotional damn breaking. For so long she had held back because she didn't want him to see her upset, fearing that it would push him over the edge…

She had never gotten the chance to emotionally deal with everything they had been through—until now. His arms tightened around her and the welcomed, familiar feeling of being safe, engulfed her.

He let her get everything out, recognizing her need for release. He made sure to keep her securely between his arms and offered her some comfort through his words and touches—reminding her that she really was the love of his life.

Eventually, she stopped crying and just snuggled against him, her head resting against the nook between his arm and shoulder. Her fingers idly traced over the scar tissue where he'd been shot that winter, the bullet that almost ended his life….

"If I had died… and Tali showed up… what would you have done?" Tony asked, suddenly, as he watched her hand.

"What do you mean?" Leah questioned, raising her blue eyes to gaze at him.

"If I had died in February… would you have given Tali a home?"

"Oh, well… I doubt Ziva would have left her to _me._ Maybe Gibbs…"

"Say she didn't know I was dead. Orli arrives with Tali looking for me… would you have taken her in?"

Leah only hesitated a few seconds. "Yes," she finally sighed, "yes, because she was your daughter—Jack's sister, and she needed someone to love her—and I know you would have done everything you could have to give her a home."

Tony kissed her, tenderly. He shifted her out of his arms and got out of bed. On the floor he found his clothes and slipped them back on. Running his hands through his much too long hair, he said, "That's all I needed to know."

She watched him, puzzled. "Tony? Where are you going?"

He came over to the bed, leaned down and embraced her. "I have something I need to do. Why don't you sleep? Those little ones will still be up fairly early."

"You won't be gone long?" Leah asked.

"Maybe an hour, at the most, and I'll just be down in the office," Tony assured her.

Her blue eyes slipped shut and she drifted off to sleep. He pushed her hair back, gave her a kiss, and headed down to the office.

Firing up the laptop, Tony opened his email, typed in Steve Alder's address and composed a simple message. _Hey, need some advice about adoption…_


	12. Heartbeat

**Warnings:** Minor spoilers for S13

 **A/N:** Here is the final chapter/epilogue. I know that Tony's exit wasn't how a lot of people would have liked it to go, but I hope I wove canon events into this story/verse in a believable way. At the end of the chapter I provided the David Cook verse from the song that inspired the story (and title). There will be more in this verse, new stuff, and rewriting what has been established. Hope you tag along for the journey :)

 **Edited to add this:** To the "Guest" who keeps trolling me that this story never made sense to you because MW said Ziva was Tony's love of his life... the concept of Alternative Universe must be lost on you. This story is apart of an entire series that started back in S11 where Tony moved on and started a family, which was more character development than the show ever gave him post-Ziva. There are plenty of stories that follow your line of thinking on this site, why don't you go read them and leave me alone? It might be hard for you to believe but some of us can generate our own opinions and not fall for everything that MW said or GG said.

* * *

It was amazing to him how life flowed back to a normal feel once they were home, once they were back into some kind of routine that resembled what their life had been like before Tali.

Tony faithfully met with his therapist, even bringing Leah along to a couple of the sessions to work through the problems his depression had caused in their marriage. He spent a lot of time with Tim and Jimmy; time with Gibbs working on the boat and mending fences. It was hard work, there were a lot of hurt feelings between all of them… but slowly they were rebuilding what two gunshots had undone when Luke shot Gibbs…

With Leah going back to work, Tony had become what she called her "sweet house husband"; he made sure the kids were taken care of, that they made it to daycare on time if he had to be at therapy, that dinner was on the table... it gave him a greater appreciation for what his wife did when he was working…

Just after Halloween, when Tony had trekked through the neighborhood with both Tali and Jack for trick-or-treating, he started to feel the itch… the urge to return to work, which was good because his return date was getting closer and closer.

Leah had not pushed him this time around to go back to work. She was giving him his space to allow him time to heal completely before he dived back into the world of being a full time federal agent.

His first day back on the job was easy enough. Tim had organized everything into a more efficient system; Ellie had his coffee and pastry waiting, and Abby was there with a hug…

At lunch time he was feeling the strain, the exhaustion, but he was happy for it. He felt like he was back where he belonged, that long dark journey coming to an end thanks to a lot of people caring and pulling for him.

Tony was at his desk, eating his lunch, when he discovered the card that Leah had tucked into his brown paper bag. It was a sweet, simple _Good Luck_ card, but it was how she signed it that made his eyes go wide and everyone else in the bullpen to question if something was wrong.

"Everything's fine," he said with a smile. "Just.. something she wrote to me… that's all…"

"Nothing to see then," Gibbs snapped at the rest of team. "Get back to work."

Tony waited until he was sure Tim and Ellie were not paying attention to him to look at the card once again. A faint smile broke out on his face as he read, _We love you! Leah, Tali, Jack, and Baby DiNozzo._

* * *

One, tiny little heartbeat filled the room, which filled him with so much joy that Tony was sure he was going to burst.

Leah squeezed his hand as she gazed at the tiny monitor before them, the doctor pointing out on the screen where their baby was. It was still so small and barely visibly, but it had a strong, healthy heartbeat. She turned her tear filled eyes towards Tony and smiled. "It's just as amazing the second time as it was the first."

Tony leaned down and kissed her. They had been on a long journey the last several months, and finally, they were at the end of the road. He was sure of this. They had forged a head on that dark path for long enough. This baby was a symbol of a fresh, new start for them and their family. "Yes, it's incredible. I can't wait to meet our new little one, I can't wait to tell Tali and Jack!"

"Do you want some printouts of the ultra sound?" the doctor asked. "I find that it helps parents explain to young children what is going on. Tali and Jack are very little from what I gather."

"One is two and a half, the other fourteen months, so yeah—very little," Tony replied.

"Any helpful tips you can give us about making this easier on our children will be appreciated," Leah stated.

"I'll start with the ultra sound photographs. When the baby gets bigger, you can bring Tali and Jack with you so they can see the baby for themselves," the doctor supplied. She excused herself and went to retrieve their photos.

Leah gave his hand a squeeze again while the nurse cleaned up her stomach. "Are you scared?" she whispered, because as happy as she was that they were going to have another baby… she was terrified that they were going to have three children, three and under, come the spring.

Tony chuckled and kissed her forehead. "I'm terrified. Already Tali and Jack exhaust us, now we're going to be adding another little DiNozzo to the mix—we might be doomed."

She glanced down at her for now smooth tummy. Soon, she'd start to show that she was pregnant. "Do you think it's a boy or a girl?"

He helped her sit up when the nurse was done cleaning her up. Tony watched as she pulled her heavy wool sweater over her stomach, and he stroked her hair while he answered, "I hope, it's a girl, that is going to look just like you… that would make our little family complete for the time being."

"Are you saying you want more kids after this?" Leah questioned.

"Yes. My mom always wanted a big family… I think it would be nice if I had it for her," Tony said with a shrug.

"You better get a good raise," Leah teased him.

"Or you could be promoted to department head," Tony teased back.

Leah swung her feet over the side of the examination table. She took the hand that her husband offered to her and climbed down. Smiling up at him, she pulled him in for a quick kiss. "Are you happy?"

Tony returned her smile and ghosted his thumb over her cheek. "Very. After everything we've been through this year, we deserve to end on a high note," he said, rubbing her belly. "What time do we have to pick the kids up from daycare?"

She glanced at the clock on the wall. "Not until five. We have plenty of time. Why do you ask?"

He reached into his suit coat and pulled out some legal forms. "Because, we need to go file these."

"Are you serving me divorce papers?" Leah joked.

"No," Tony laughed, "Adoption papers. For you, to adopt Tali."

Leah blinked the tears out of her eyes. For months she had already thought of Tali as her daughter, even if she had not been the woman to carry her in the womb; these papers would make it official. "You mean it?"

Tony nodded and put the papers in her free hand. "Yes. I do. Her mother isn't coming back, she has no other family besides me… if something were to happen to me on the job, I feel better knowing she would be with you and in good hands… rather than being thrown out to the wolves of the system."

The doctor came back in with the sonogram photos and Leah's paperwork. She smiled at the couple, told them she would see them in a few weeks, and Leah could make her next appointment on the way out.

Still holding tightly to the papers, Leah looked at her feet before she smiled, lovingly at her husband. "Let's go make it official," she said.

He grinned and stepped out of the examination room with her, closing the door behind him. As it softly shut, Tony realized that they had finally shut the door on that dark chapter in their life and were now opening another door to a new chapter that had a promising looking future.

* * *

 _So I will run through fire to reach the other side_

 _and turn this life around._

 _And when the moments dead and gone._

 _With every star I'm wishing on_

 _With right and every wrong_

 _The lonely nights that take us home_

 _for all the stones I've ever thrown_

 _for every break against the bone_

 _close my eyes I'm not alone_

 _And let the heartbeat take me home_

"Heartbeat"-David Cook


End file.
